Page 126 of Breathe Again

I thought about it. I hated to let go of any of that.

“Yes. Truthfully, both Willa and Bex would be willing to do lessons with her during their time together.” Both had offered, repeatedly. “I can do that.”

“To my mind, that would be a reasonable concession. My wife homeschools, so I know, a bit, about what you’re doing. I suggest you cut back, make it less stressful for your daughter as well, maybe do the more enjoyable subjects until you all adjust?”

I couldn’t even think clearly about that. “I think maybe we’ll take a week off and then come up with a plan.”

“That sounds good, and maybe your sister and your friend will have some ideas around what they’d like to do, and you won’t have to come up with the plan on your own.”

I looked up at him, slightly taken aback. I’d never thought about asking for input. “That’s a good idea. I’ll do that.”

He smiled. “Good.” He paused. “Could you tell me a bit about your thoughts on the situation with your mother.”

I thought back. “I think, I’m not sure, but I think I cut off that whole relationship.”

I suddenly felt like the worst kind of daughter. I started to explain, the words flying from my lips. “She set me up, made me think she might be sick, I had to make emergency arrangements for Olivia, disrupt her schedule, drive into the city, which I hate doing…”

I would have gone on, feeling the need to explain my horrific actions, but even in explaining what happened, I felt I came off as lazy and selfish, and she just sounded like an old lady who wanted her daughter’s company. I caught myself. I would never treat Olivia the way she treated me. I had to stop accepting hurtful behavior, the type that I’d never expect anyone else to accept, the kind I’d never dream of visiting on another person, especially my daughter.

“It says in your file that your mother is narcissistic.”

“Yes.”

This I now believed wholeheartedly, and it was reflected in my tone.

“Can you commit to maintaining the space away from her, at least until you get your feet under you again? Narcissistic people have a way of twisting reality that is crazy making for people with the healthiest of self-esteems. For you, being raised in that environment, it’s probable that you do not yet have the tools to avoid being drawninto her dramas. A little time, a lot of space, therapy, all these things can help you to better cope with her.”

“What if I don’t want to cope with her anymore?” I mumbled.

I thought of Willa’s bravery in cutting her off and wished I had the guts to do the same. It wasn’t lack of guts, exactly, that stopped me. I couldn’t stop thinking about how she must be feeling. I didn’t want her to be sad, in fact, I wanted to ensure that she wasn’t. I was caught in a cycle of over-responsibility. I recognized it, I wasn’t sure I would be able to escape it, at least not yet.

“You would not be the first, and no one who understood what it is to be involved with a Narcissist would blame you. Most would, in fact, cheer you on. However, I don’t think the stress of a permanent cut-off would be beneficial for you at this time.”

“Would therapy help her?”

“If she wanted treatment, sure, it could help. However, that’s not within your circle of control, and it’s not your responsibility.”

I looked up at him quickly. “Not my responsibility.”

“That’s right.”

“I’m a mess.”

“You’re programmed, but you can undo the programming. I’m astounded at how well you’ve done all these years with little assistance. I’m looking forward to seeing what you’ll do now that you have all the different supports in place.” He paused, the analysttook a momentary step back and the man spoke up to reassure me. “You’ll be okay, Mara. I believe that.”

My next therapy session would be with Marissa, and Zale would be there. With each passing minute my nervousness grew. I worried about how I looked, with no makeup and not having done my hair properly. I worried about what I’d see in his eyes, whether it would be resignation, or worse, resentment.

It turned out it was neither.

When I walked into Marissa’s office, Zale was already seated on the couch. For some reason I expected that I would get there first. Seeing him startled me, and I froze in my tracks.

He shot up from his place on the couch when I entered the room but stopped just as suddenly as I had. We stared at one another. He broke the silence.

“Hi, gorgeous.”

His chocolate eyes melted all over me, filled with longing.

The heat hit my face and he easily read the doubt there.

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