Page 105 of Breathe Again

“Fine,” she yelled. “I can see I’m not important anymore. I’ll just hang out here by myself until I die. I’ll leave your inheritance to your precious animal shelter. You don’t deserve a cent of it.”

She slammed down the phone. The tremor in my hand paled in comparison to the full body tremors shaking my legs and chattering my teeth together. This should never be the response from a daughter after talking to her mother.

I recited my cards from memory.

You will never have the mother you want and deserve.

The only change will be the change you make.

You are responsible for your actions; she is responsible for hers.

This moment is exactly as it should be considering everything that came before this moment.

Never had that one felt truer than in that moment. Now I needed to tell my little bird that we would make cookies for Gran-Gran another time.

I’d call Bex and see if we could bring some for her and the twins after school. It wouldn't be relaxing exactly, but it was fun for both of us, it would make Olivia happy, and I always loved seeing Bex. I’d also get a chance to chat with Bex about my phone calls with my mother.

Thursday morning, I got an email canceling my appointment with Erin for that week due to illness. Olivia went to the shelter, but we had no girls’ night planned. I had no responsibilities. It should have been a good relax but I couldn’t shut down the recriminations in my head. I couldn’t wrap my head around my mother’s complete disregard for my wellbeing. I looked at my cards over and over, they were not enough. My heart ached.

We had plans to go out tomorrow night with Rhys and Rebecca, Willa offered to take Olivia overnight, so I had that to look forward to. I tried to focus my thoughts on our date night. I did my nails, puta treatment on my hair, had a bubble bath, but my heart rate still skittered and stopped like a butterfly trapped in a vase.

Friday evening, I stood in front of my closet. I should never have agreed to this. Theoretically, a date night should be fun and enjoyable. In reality, I felt fragile, and I didn’t know if I’d be able to lock it all down tonight.

I wished we were just going to hang out here, or at their house, but I didn’t want to ask. I thought back to Stratford, how we promised each other we’d go out more. I needed to suck it up. I still had no clue what to wear.

I called Bex.

“Mara?”

“Hey. I don’t know what to wear tonight.” I sounded flat even to my own ears.

“Wear one of your new outfits.”

“I don’t know which one.”

“All of them are good. What’s wrong?”

“Please, just tell me what to wear.”

“Okay, Merry, let me think.” She paused, then decided, “black skinny ripped jeans, loose white V-neck blouse, hip length black satin fitted quilted vest, turquoise pumps for a pop of color, that sound good?”

“Yes, okay, thanks. See you soon.”

I got off the phone quickly and got dressed. My makeup was flawless. My lips looked lush and so did my body. Bex did an excellent job putting my outfit together from afar.

Zale came back from dropping off Olivia and glanced at me as he walked through to grab his shoes and tossed me a compliment on his way past. “You look good, gorgeous.”

I didn’t answer. I thought I’d have gotten a better reaction than that, but honestly, when did he ever see me, when did he ever stop to look? Not often.

I had to stop kidding myself. Passing out compliments, public displays of affection, wild and crazy sex on demand, were just not him. He was as cool and laid back as I was chaotic and tumultuous, which was often steadying for me, but being the one who was passionate and needy, the one who was over-invested, the one panting like a bitch in heat, was not all that enjoyable.

The mismatch was painful, intolerably so at times.

I grabbed a jacket to keep in the car. I knew I probably wouldn’t need it, the weather being so mild, but I brought it in case the temperature dropped, like it sometimes did in May. Zale sauntered out in his easy, rolling gait, happy energy radiating off him, looking forward to going out. He’d wanted to go to this restaurant for a while, and they had live music tonight. No dancing, thankfully.

He seemed to notice me for the first time. “You good, baby?”

“I’m good.”

---