Page 59 of Crimson Flames

Dr. K must agree because she begins to strum her fingers on her chair, deep in thought.

“I see what you mean.” Our eyes connect as her lips lift. “But we’re still different. Every day they have a choice. They can work on their schoolwork, catching up in learning where they can pick what they find most interesting, then we allow them to train. We’re providing choice and education. I know it is hard to see, but that is healing for them.”

“How so?”

“Think about this. From a young age, they were told that their worth had a price tag. They were told to train to be worth that price tag. But not here. Here, we are telling them that they are worth everything, and we will still provide what makes them feel the most comfortable.”

Sitting back, I see what she means.

“I’m glad they’re comfortable. Akio called me last week when Ami and Ani put their old bunny in the trash. He got them new ones and said they sleep with them every night.”

Dr. K smiles. “I was hesitant to allow them to adopt the girls because of the sheer amount of trauma Ami and Ani need to work though, but they are amazing with them. They celebrate every milestone, every new word, and they even got them a dog so they felt safe at night.”

My heart warms knowing that they felt like they got to complete their family. It might not have been what they originally pictured, but I have never seen Akio and Adrian so happy.

“They deserve all of the happiness, all of them do.”

Dr. K nods in agreement before folding her hands in her lap. “So, are you ready to talk about the news Doc gave you?”

I run my hand through my long hair again, quickly allowing this to be my newest gesture to take a moment to think. When my fingers get to the ends, I pull on them slightly, the pressure reminding me I am still here.

“He said I was cleared for sex again.”

It feels weird talking to Dr. K about sex, but after Doc gave me the update, I think I froze. “My brain and body both just went offline for a minute because I don’t feel ready for that.”

“Your body may be ready, but that doesn’t mean your mind is. Knowing that is a good thing, and I would encourage you to waituntil your mind and body are in sync with what you are prepared for.”

I nod at her words, grateful she didn’t just tell me to get over it, or that I’m being ridiculous. She would never say these things, but my mind sure as feck thinks them.

“Let’s work on understanding why your mind isn’t ready yet. Can you tell me how you felt once you came back to yourself in the office with Doc?”

Shrugging, I turn away from her. “Part of me feels like it’s pointless. I can’t have kids now, so what are we even doing? I can’t be a mother, so what am I supposed to be?”

I never felt that way before, but for some reason, I do now. I feel like a vital piece of me was taken away, and I will never be able to get it back.

Stripping me of my choice is like wrapping a cloth around my head and expecting me to breathe through it. I can, but it’s difficult, and it feels like all I do is fight it.

“Nessa, your identity is not in being a mother or even in reproducing. Your identity is who you are outside of the things nature gave you.”

I shake my head because how can that be true? And if it is, who does that make me?

“I’m afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?” She waits patiently, giving me time to find the words. It’s hard to say some of this out loud because I feel like I sound crazy. Yet, I know Dr. K. She would never say that the thoughts that torture me throughout the day are invalid.

“I’m scared it’s going to feel good, and I don’t think I deserve to experience pleasure.” Well, I guess if I’m saying the crazy out loud, I might as well throw it all out there. “I’m scared that when we finally do have sex again, that it’s going to hurt because I lost the ability to do what I should be able to do.”

Dr. K’s blue eyes sparkle as she reaches for my hand. I let her take it briefly before she sits back. There are moments where Dr. K is like a stand-in for my mother, and then she slips back into her professional role. It’s almost as if she can sense what I need when I need it. I’m not a very touchy person, except with my men, but Dr. K brings a sense of comfort only a mother is capable of sometimes. It makes me respect her more and trust her immensely.

“Nessa, you are so much more than a womb.”

“Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes, when I wake in the middle of the night, my hand on my stomach and a pit inside of me as vast as the ocean, I just can’t seem to tell myself I’m anything but that and that I failed.”

“Not allowing yourself to feel the pleasure that sex can bring you is self sabotaging. Boris and Cillian love you. They have proven that they are trustworthy, and what you had before the baby was good. You were happy; you did not fail. Your future was stolen from you. That is different.”

My eyes burn and my throat feels thick. “How is it different?”

“Let me give you a scenario. I’m out on a walk with my dog, we’re on the sidewalk and following the rules, yet a car swerves and hits the dog. Would it be my fault?”

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