Page 53 of Crimson Flames

I keep the line long, never lifting my pencil as I come back to the circle Kai drew and turn that into a shoulder point for the animal.

Soon, that one line has crafted a very detailed giraffe. Kai watches me closely, and when I lift my pencil, his mouth drops open.

“You start with the feeling, then you turn the feeling into a story.”

“Damn,” he says, blowing out a breath. “You did that all with just a single line.” Kai drops the pencil back into the cup at the head of the desk and sits back. “What else can you draw?”

“A lot of things, I guess.”

Don’t judge me for being vague. I can’t tell a kid that what I like to draw the most is my girl with tears running down her face while she swallows my cock as if it were her fecking job.

“You should draw something for Nessa that Lev can tattoo on you guys.”

“Why do you say that?”

He pulls out another Twizzler and takes a bite.

“Nessa said she wanted a tattoo like the rest of you. Maybe do something with that?”

A light bulb goes off in my head. Kai puts on his headphones and lays on the couch while I turn back to the paper.

It all starts with a feeling.

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Flipping through the pages of a book dedicated to Aiden, I show Nessa everything I drew today. I didn’t leave for hours,my pencil stuck to the paper, trying desperately to get all of the images inside my head and sketched in charcoal.

The first is the sonogram we saw of our little girl, her heartbeat strong under the picture, just like it was that day. The next is her tiny fingers and toes.

I drew them in our hands, touching our faces, and eventually, I gained the courage to draw Aiden how I remembered her.

Her sweet little face, tiny features that still somehow made her look just like her mother. Page after page, I put every emotion down until I decide to sketch a few flames, giving me the idea.

“What if Lev tattooed something like this around your wrist,” I suggest, showing her how the design would flow perfectly from the bracelet we all wear.

“I love it,” she whispers, outlining the edges with her fingers. “Let’s do it. Go get Lev.”

“Right now?” I ask, shocked that she doesn’t want to think more about this.

“Yes,” she says firmly. “I’m learning that if I don’t take what I want when I want it, then it might be taken from me.”

Her face grows sad, and I scoop her into my arms. Tears flow between the two of us, but we let them fall together. Just like the pencil and the paper act like an outlet for me, crying is all she really has right now.

So I let her have it and do everything I can to comfort her in the process.

Eventually, the tears stop, and her clear eyes look up into mine.

“I want this, Killer.”

So we spend the rest of the evening with Lev in the room, Boris and me at Nessa’s side, and Kai sitting in the window looking out at our little girl’s light.

Chapter 20

Working with Dr. K has been much more difficult than I imagined. However, she has brought me a lot of clarity about my life and my choices.

Seeing my destructive behavior and tendency to wash my hands of the people and things I cannot control from a new perspective, has helped me learn what I need in order to cope. One great thing that has come from that is the bonding between my son and me.

“Keep your hands up, Father, or Nessa is going to complain about me hurting your face again.”

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