Page 37 of Crimson Flames

One by one, they all reveal the same tattoo on their hands. But Cillian and Boris pull up their sleeves.

“We got her hand and footprint on our wrists,” Cillian says. The markings are so small that you can hardly tell what they are. I reach out and trace it with my finger, imagining what it would be like to hold her little hand.

They showed me the pictures of how small she was compared to just their fingers, but having an actual reference makes me feel like I get to experience it too.

Cillian comes to my side and places a hand on Aiden’s headstone.

“You may never get to walk with us, but I will carry you. Wherever my feet take me, you will be there too.”

Boris kneels on the other side as emotions overwhelm me to the point of nausea.

“Your hands may never get to explore the world, so I will explore it for you. To suffer this pain for the rest of my days at the cost of loving you, for even a short while, will forever be my honor.”

Every fiber of me threatens to crumble as I watch men I have never known to kneel, men who do not bend or break, fall to pieces for our little girl. My hands tremble and my head slowly shakes back and forth, wanting a way out.

Dr. K’s voice whispers from just behind me. “It’s okay to feel, Nessa. It’s okay to hurt and to be afraid. We’re all here, and we’ll take as long as you need.”

“Deep breath, Sweetheart,” Cllian says, coming back to my side in an instant.

“We are with you,Lisichka.” Boris is there too, his forehead pressing to my shoulder as he breathes, and I match my breaths to theirs as my face overflows with moisture.

Having both of them at my side helps ease the panic. Everyone waits for me, and I take my time to collect my thoughts before the words can finally come out.

“Aiden,” I say as a sob breaks my words.

I cover it quickly and take another deep breath. “For a short time, my heart beat just for you. You gave me hope in a world that can easily feel hopeless, and you brought a light into my darkness.”

I pause for a moment as my chest begins to ache, but I push through for her and myself. “I may never get to hear your voice or hold you in my arms, but I will love you with a part of my heart that only a mother knows for all eternity.”

When I finish and look around, Alexi lights my candle. Then, he proceeds to light one for everybody as the sky darkens around us.

Laney steps forward with her candle in hand.

“It’s hard to find joy in the simple pieces of life for people like us. While it’s normal for those outside our world to create families and settle down, we only know a life that makes every minute of survival feel hard won.”

She lights something on top of Aiden’s headstone.

“This is an eternal flame that Aiden will hold for us until we get to see her again one day. No storm will be able to extinguish her, just as our memory of her will never fade.”

A soft gasp leaves me, not knowing this was part of her memorial. Laney and Evie look at me with soft smiles, and I know instantly that they did this. They found a way for me to see her even at night.

Out of the corner of my eye, little lights begin to flicker in the distance, making me turn. Kai comes into view, and just the sight of him makes my heart feel lighter. It’s not until he gets closer that I notice there are a lot of other kids with him.

“What are you doing here?” I croak, perplexed as to why they would all be out here in the cold holding candles for someone they don’t really know.

“I was talking with the others earlier,” Kai says, gesturing behind him. “We all agreed that we wanted to be here. None of us knew you were pregnant, but you came to save us anyway. It‘s because of your sacrifice, and Aiden’s, that we are all here today.”

One of the girls I don’t know the name of steps forward. “Neither of you owed us anything, but you gave us everything. We wanted a chance to say thank you and show you that just like you were there for us, we will be there for you too. Damien said we get to choose what we do next, and we choose to stay with you.”

Cillian and Boris are behind me now, their hands on my shoulders gently squeezing, helping to keep my heart from tearing out of my chest.

I never knew what it was really like to have a family, to be surrounded by people who loved you unconditionally for exactly who you were. But I have that now, and with these kids here, something inside of me feels a little less broken.

“Thank you,” I’m able to get out after a minute. “Thank you for being here.”

I hold onto Boris and Cillian’s hands, gripping them tightly as mine shake. Everything feels overwhelming, all eyes are on me as I try to process one of the most painful losses I have ever known. Even if I need to do this to be able to move forward, my body tries to tell me to run and hide and pretend that the pain doesn’t exist.

I stare at Kai, unable to form words, unable to say the thank you that I mean from the bottom of my heart. When he lifts his lips in a soft smile, I know he knows without me having to say anything, and relief floods me as a small piece of my heart feels a little less broken.

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