Page 145 of Crimson Tears

She agrees and Doc lets himself out. It takes a minute for her words to sink in. When they do, I have to separate myself from her and stand.

Nessa does not want my child,our child. No discussion, no nothing. She did not even ask me. As much as I believe it is her body so ultimately it is her choice, I still want to at leasttalkabout this.

I want this baby. No matter whose it is, I am sure it will look exactly like Nessa. I can just imagine the curly red hair and chubby cheeks. An image of me rocking the baby to sleep at night plays out in my mind, of doing all the things I lost out on with Alexi. This was a chance to do what a father should do.

I know I am in my fifties, and this is a lot to ask, but I want our baby.

Nessa doesn’t move from her place on the bed. She sits with the IV line still attached to her arm and her hands in her lap. Her legs are crossed as she stares off into the distance.

I do not know how to have this conversation, but I need to have it before I explode.

“Nessa,” I breathe as I move to kneel in front of her. She turns her face away from me, shaking her head.

“Don’t.” Her lips roll together as if trying to hold back tears. “Don’t ask me to keep it.”

“Please talk to me,Lisichka,” I beg, wiping a droplet from her face. Her hands grab onto mine, squeezing almost enough to hurt.

“I can’t, Boris. I can’t worry every day. I can’t be scared that this child will end up a pawn in the twisted world we live in, and I won’t raise them in a cage either. No matter what, I lose.Theylose. This is no life for a child to be brought into.”

I understand her worry, I was there. While the risks terrified me, it was not a death sentence for my child and this will not be either.

“Alexi is one of the strongest men I know, and I think I did something right there. Not everything, but itispossible to do this.”

Nessa shakes her head again. “And what if it’s a girl? What if men take her away from us? What if the worst happens to her because we couldn’t protect her?”

Fuck. There is truth to her words. When we found out Alexi was a boy, I was beyond thankful. Raising a child in this world is a challenge, but boys are very different from girls.

As much as I wish gender did not matter, sometimes it can play a role in the fears we envision for our children. It pains mebecause we created a life together, and Nessa seems more upset about that than when she was being tortured.

I wish I could walk away like Cillian did. For once, I understand the kid. Whether he wants this baby or not, this is a hard thing to accept.

“Boris, don’t tell me you want to keep it.”

I keep my mouth shut because I will not lie to her. There is nothing I want more in this moment than to see little versions of her running around the yard, so I cannot relieve her worry.

“Come on.” Her voice is begging as she grips my hand tighter. “You and Cillian hardly get along even on the best of days, do you really want to throw a child into the middle of that? Not to mention, who would feel left out when we find out whose it is?”

She looks down in her lap and picks at the tape around her IV line, avoiding eye contact.

“Would you both want another child to make the score even? Would each of them grow up thinking they were loved less by one of you because they aren’t your biological children?”

It’s my turn to shake my head. “I do not need to know whose it is, all that matters is that it is yours. Any baby of yours will have my love from now until the moment I take my last breath.”

Nessa’s lip trembles. “Boris.”

“Please do not ask me to agree with your choice, but know that I will respect the decision you make, even if it pains me to do so.”

I squeeze her hands in mine and then let go. Fear unlike anything I have ever known begins to eat at my heart.

I thought losing her would make me wish I were dead, but a piece of my heart turned to ash the moment she said she did not want our child.

Chapter 43

I can’t be a mother. I just can’t.Everything about being a mom scares me. The worry, the fear, the fact that another human's life is literally in your hands. Not to mention the lack of sleep, dealing with attitudes as they get older, being responsible for emotional development.

Holding Boris or Cillian’s baby in my arms sounds like a dream; it’s everything after that which terrifies me.

What if we disagree on parenting styles? Or what if the kid grows up and moves far away from us because what we do istoo scary? Could I raise my child to then simply let them go? Let them figure out their own lessons the hard way?

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