Page 134 of Crimson Tears

I tuck a few strands of hair behind my ear as I look down. “Better than yesterday.”

I fill her in on what happened and the words I said out loud. It was a shock to me to realize just how similar saving the children felt to saving my sister. But now that I think about it, it makes sense.

“I failed her, and I feel like the only way I can make up for it is by saving others like her.”

Dr. K nods, jotting down some notes before looking back at the screen.

“Just to be clear, you perceive your sister’s death as your fault?”

“Well, yeah. It was. I swore to protect her and get her away from the life we lived. Yet, she died trying to convince Ronan that she would be the better daughter to marry because she knew I loved Cillian.”

“Who was it that promised your hand to Ronan?” Dr. K asks.

“My father. He wanted to create an alliance between the two main mafias in Ireland. He figured marriage was the best way to do that. When Cillian’s parents called off our engagement, he offered me up to Ronan.”

My stomach churns just thinking back on the day my father told me I would be Ronan’s wife. I was going to be given to him as soon as I returned from the island. But thankfully, all of that changed.

“So you were both put in that situation because of your father?”

“Yes.”

She pauses, as if for some kind of dramatic effect. “And every time you try to save these children and fail, you believe you are failing them?”

My brows furrow.That’s what I just said, so why is she repeating my words?

“Yeah.” I drag out the word, unsure of where she is going with this.

“Okay, I’m going to address this with one point at a time.”

“Alright,” I agree, readying myself for the emotional toll this is no doubt going to take. I fear she is going to confirm every single one of my doubts, tell me to do better or try harder, just like I was always told growing up.

“You believe that by saving these children, you will redeem yourself for the death of your sister. However, what you cannot see is that your sister’s death was not your fault.”

I open my mouth to interrupt her, but she kindly puts a hand up, so I allow her to continue. Even if it definitely is my fault.

“You were a child who was learning from her parents. It is a parent’s job to teach us right from wrong. It is their job to love and protect their children. At that, your father failed you. If anyone is to blame, it is him.”

My shoulders release some of their tension because I never thought about it like that.

“You can allow Enya and her memory to inspire you, but the quest for redemption is unnecessary because you have nothing to be redeemed for. Is that not what your sister would want? To be your inspiration, not your failure?”

She’s right. I didn’t realize that fueling this need for vindication meant that Enya became my defeat instead of my light.

“Therapy in this life is hard because I cannot tell you to let this go, which is how I was taught to counsel others. This is a battle you must keep fighting. However, what I can give you is this.”

I take a deep breath, letting her words encourage me.

“Refocus your energy on the person who is to blame. Your father put both you and your sister in impossible situations. He bartered with your life and stripped you of your choices. Save these children in spite of him, and let your sister be the inspiration you will need to help them through this. Children are intuitive, they can see those who know their pain and feel a bond with you. They will trust you because of Enya and in spite of your father when you finally do rescue them.”

I don’t even feel the tear as it trails down my cheek until it hits my arm, startling me. I wipe it away as Dr. K continues.

“Every time you get close and they are not there, don’t think of it as a failure. You’re fighting to save them in the same way you and your sister deserved to be fought for. Your parents failed you both, but that does not make you like them.”

I nod in agreement as my view begins to shift. It will take time and work to rid myself of this mentality, but I now know what I need to do. Instead of obsessing over beating myself up about everything I can’t control, I can refocus my energy on the things that I can. Like forming a new plan and making this place as safe as it can be for the children when we do get them.

Dr. K and I talk about techniques to help me when I feel a spiral coming on and ways to center me in the moment. I already know most of the skills, but having them repeated is really helpful.

I know I need to breathe when I feel the panic begin. The reminder of how many times to count, and the visuals of filling my lungs until they could overflow with air, helps me see it more clearly.

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