Page 100 of Crimson Tears

“I think I remembered something. You know, from our time in that cell together.”

His brows crease, but I can feel his body stiffen. I don’t know if he wanted me to remember or if it was just the story of a man who believed we were both about to die, but I need to know.

“Alright, what do you remember?”

I can’t look at him when I ask, so instead I focus on the freckles along his collarbone that are almost visible through his tattoos. I don’t think anyone would notice unless they knew exactly where they were before the ink. But I know. I know every inch of him just as he knows every inch of me.

“You said you were always there.” Working up the courage, I look up at him. “What did you mean by that?”

“I meant exactly what I said. I was always there.”

I roll on my side, propping my head up with my hand as I stare at his body.

“Like a stalker?”

“Yes.” He finally moves his arm and mirrors my position. “And a protector.”

“When did you protect me?”

I have a feeling I already know the answer to this, but I want him to say it. I feel cheated out of all the times he was able to watch my pain, yet everything about him was lost to me. His eyes glance down as if he is ashamed.

“I killed countless Reapers as I worked up the ranks in the Shades. Anyone I could get away with taking out who dared lay a hand on you, I did. I used them to learn torture methods to hone my craft.”

He looks up at me as if afraid I will fear him because of his admission, but instead, all I feel is pride. I may not have been strong enough or in the right position to put down the men who worked for my father, but he was and he did.

“Before I left, I was innocent.”

He reaches out and tucks some hair behind my ear before trailing his fingers down my cheek and over my lips.

“But when I saw that you needed a real killer by your side, that was who I was determined to be.”

I never wanted that life for him; I wouldn’t have wished it on anyone. Yet, now that he’s here, after everything, I’m thankful. He fought for me even when I thought I was alone.

“Why did you never let me know you were there? Especially after Enya.”

“Because I failed both of you.” His eyes glass over but tears never fall. “I couldn’t come to terms with it for the longest time. The Celtic knot is for you, but it’s red for Enya.”

A lump forms in my throat as I realize why.

“Because she always burned so bright? You would call her a little flame when she went after something she wanted.”

“She was a path of beautiful destruction,” he says, his voice strained. “And she died because I couldn’t pull the trigger fast enough.”

I shake my head, taking his hand in mine and pressing it to my lips as I tell him something only a few people know.

“She died trying to save me. She went to Ronan so I wouldn’t have to.”

He wipes away a tear that I hadn’t realized had fallen. “It’s not your fault, Ness.”

I close my eyes because he doesn’t know that I secretly hoped it would have worked. I would have gotten her away from him, but I was terrified of that man. I knew the second he had me, I would be locked away for the rest of my life.

“You could have come to me,” I choke out. “I would have run with you if you had asked.”

His thumb grazes my chin, moving back and forth. “I was waiting for the day when you would take everything from your father. I could see it in you, right beneath the surface. You were always stronger than him, and I think he knew it and didn’t know what to do.”

“I thought about it many times but chickened out every chance I got.”

I feel weak every time I admit it, but it’s the truth. There were so many moments when I could have taken his throne from him, but instead, I continued being his willing little punching bag.

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