“Give the boy a break. But can I have a second piece of pie?” Ethan asked, as my mom bit her lip.
“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to think of things to say that won’t make everything hurt, but maybe that’s not the best thing to do. But know we’re here, Kingston. For you. We love you.”
“I know.” I set down my drink and rolled my shoulders back. “I’m going to go outside for some air.”
I left them standing there, abruptly, leaving Claire to the wolves. Even though my family was anything but wolves. They were kind, caring, and had always been there for me. And I couldn’t even look at them right then. Because they had all tried with me. And my friend was dead.
What were you supposed to say to that?
I stood on the deck that my uncles had built, and stared off into the distance, the icy chill of winter weather hitting. There would be another snowstorm soon, as there always was. The ice and snow coming back with a vengeance.
Everything felt bleak, as if the cold meant something more than just the bite.
A gentle hand pressed against the small of my back, and I let out a breath.
“Sorry. Just needed to think.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry about. We’re all awkward saying the wrong things because we don’t know how to help you. What you said today was beautiful though. About time. I hardly even knew Eddie, and I cried for him because of your words.”
I ran a fist over my chest, trying to ignore the ache. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I was trying to lightenthe mood, and it turned into tears. Didn’t mean to fuck up.”
“You didn’t fuck up, Kingston.”
I turned to look at her, scowling. “Yes, I did. It wasn’t enough. Don’t you understand? He wouldn’t have needed this second round if my bone marrow would’ve worked the first time. Instead the cancer came back, and I couldn’t even do it right this time. I’m still on that donor list, so even if they want to come to me, I won’t do it. Because nothing I have will be enough. They’ll just die. They’ll have hope, and then they’ll die. That’s what I give them. False hope. I failed him. Just like I failed you.”
I wasn’t shouting the words, but I bit them out with every single ounce of hatred for myself that I had. And I was putting this all on Claire, the one person who didn’t need it.
“Stop.”
I swallowed hard. “Claire?—”
“No. Don’t think you failed me. I was stabbed and almost died and yet I knew someone was coming. I might’ve tried to go for help, but I knew you would be there. You and Kane. I knew how to fight, even if I knew I wasn’t strong enough, because I knew you would come. For Phoebe because of Kane and just because of you, Kingston. Because you fight for those you care about, and I was lucky enough to be in that orbit. Andit took far too long for me to realize that. I pushed you away because I didn’t realize it. But I do now. Don’t blame yourself. You give everything that you have, and I trust you with everything because of that. Eddie died because of a blood clot. Because cancer is terrible, and we still haven’t found a cure. But you gave him more time with his wife. You gave him the time in the first place to find her. You gave him that time that was so precious. Remember that, Kingston. You gave him time.”
I cupped her cheeks, and brushed my lips against hers, before wiping her tears away. “Thank you,” I whispered, as my own tears fell, and Claire held me tight.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my parents holding each other with my brothers on either side of my dads. And so I held out my arms, and they came to me, and we held each other, as some of us cried, and some of us stood there stoically, nothing left but grief, and gratitude for what we held.
My friend was dead, and we’d run out of that time. Only Claire was in my arms, and something shifted.
And I had no idea what.
10
CLAIRE
“Are you sure it’s okay that I’m here? I don’t want to interrupt time with your boyfriend,” Livvy said as she sing-songed the wordboyfriend.
I rolled my eyes as I parked in between the lines, holding my breath as I did. I hated parking my car. It didn’t matter that there were cameras all over the thing, and it could park itself if I pressed a button, it was still scary.
“He’s not my boyfriend. He’s well…I don’t have a title or a label, and we’re not going to do that. Labels are scary.”
“Tell me about it. I’m sorry for even daring to tease you about it. Although he is my cousin, so I enjoyit a little bit.”
“You know, I could walk down the street and bump into a cousin of yours. It oddly confused me when I found out that you were a Montgomery as well.”
Livvy grinned as she got out of the car, and I followed.
“I know right? We’re just all over the place. Seriously though, is it going to be too much? I know it’s hard for you to get alone time with both of your jobs.”