Page 5 of Inked Obsession

I gritted my teeth, knowing that wasn’t fair to anyone. They didn’t know what I was feeling or thinking because I didn’t tell them. I put a smile on my face. And if I told them that I was okay, that I was healing, they wouldn’t believe me. Or they would think me callous. Even my best friends would, wouldn’t they? Because I missed my husband with every ounce of my soul, and I loved him, but I was okay. I was breathing, I was healing. And I was okay. I didn’t think the world truly understood that.

I shook off my melancholic thoughts and smiled, doing my best not to look too happy or sad.

Brenna had been asking about Beckett. I needed to get back in the moment and stop dwelling on the past. “Some random stranger hit on me, and Beckett did his normal thing and tried to save me.” I rolled my eyes and smiled, and Brenna’s shoulders relaxed. The others seemed to do the same. There was nothing else I could do. Nothing I could say to change the way people thought about me. I just had to be me—whatever that meant, since I wasn’t really sure.

“That’s Beckett for you. Always saving everybody.”

I held back a frown at that because he had said he hadn’t saved everyone. What had he meant by that? That he wasn’t pushy and tried not to get involved in everyone’s life? Because I really didn’t think that was the case. It had to be something else. I didn’t know. However, it wasn’t my place. I had only been thinking that I didn’t want people looking at me differently and wondering what I was thinking, or to think too hard about me at all. Yet, here I was, doing the same thing about Beckett Montgomery. I needed to be better.

I cleared my throat. “Anyway, I am going home if that’s okay with everybody.”

Annabelle opened her mouth to say something but then yawned. I snorted as Jacob quickly bundled her into his arms, though he did set her feet down on the floor first. I had a feeling if he knew that Annabelle wouldn’t mind, he would probably have carried her out of the building like a prince carrying his princess.

“Well, it seems I’m tired, too,” Annabelle said on a laugh, and I just shook my head. I couldn’t believe that my best friend was pregnant. It seemed like just yesterday she had been fighting with Jacob over every single little thing. Of course, that fighting had been a clue to something else, something far hotter, and now they were married and living in Annabelle’s house. I was currently renting Jacob’s old place from them and living right next door. Even if some people might think it a little too much like charity, it was an ideal situation. I paid the average rent for the neighborhood. I had a decent job, and I was fine. I didn’t know what else to be. It wasn’t like I had anywhere else to go. Colorado had become my home. I was going to make it mine. Somehow.

“I guess that’s it for the night,” Lee said, and I looked up at the man. Like Brenna and me, Lee wasn’t a Montgomery. He was one of Beckett’s best friends—also Benjamin’s. He fit in with everybody, though, even though he worked long hours and we rarely got to see him. It was nice to see him out and about tonight. Of course, that’s what people would likely say about me.

It’s so nice to see you out and about, living but not too much. You shouldn’t have too much fun, because that will shade his memory.

I winced inwardly again because that wasn’t what my friends were thinking. I knew that. No, that was theotherpeople in my life. Not my family, but the others at the base, and those who knew me casually from work. They didn’t know me, not really, and I didn’t want them to. I didn’t know what I wanted.

And that was enough of that.

I waved everybody off and headed to my car. Brenna sidled up next to me as she had parked one spot over. “Are you doing okay tonight?” she asked, her voice soft.

I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and gave her a side-hug. “I am. It’s good to get out. I don’t do it enough.”

“Are you doing okay?” I asked after a moment.

She shrugged and smiled up at me. “I guess. Long days.”

I nodded and hugged her tightly. Brenna was a cake decorator, and though she didn’t own a shop per se, she worked long hours and was in high demand. To the point that if I even wanted a cake, I was pretty sure I’d have a six-month wait.

“We’ll do this again. Maybe next week?” Brenna asked.

I nodded. “Yes. I’m going to do better about getting out.”

“You’re already doing great, Eliza.” She hugged me tightly, and I leaned into her, knowing that I was safe in her arms. Just like I was safe in many of my friends’ arms. I could be the self-conscious one, trying to cope, attempting to figure out who I was and who I needed to be as a widow. Even though I might be afraid of what my friends thought of me, I shouldn’t be. I knew they loved me, and I had to remember that.

After saying goodbye, I made my way home, slowly pulling into my driveway. Annabelle and Jacob had made it home before me, and their garage door was just closing. Annabelle must be tired—or even asleep in the passenger seat—for them to have pulled in without waving goodnight. I didn’t mind. Everyone’s family was changing, and it was nice. Soon, there would be a little baby next door, one I’d be able to hold and cherish even if it gave me a slight twinge.

I didn’t need to think about that.Ever, I reminded myself.

I checked around the house, got myself some water, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and then slid into bed.

It was a different mattress than the one I’d had in my home with Marshall. It was a different everything. This wasn’t the home I had shared with my husband. Most people told me not to make big moves and changes within the first year of losing him, but the rent had come up, and my lease had ended in our old home. I knew that place wasn’t for me anymore. It had been Marshall’s, the place he had liked. He was rarely home. He was always on tour. So, when I lost him, I had chosen a place for myself. Even though, in reality, I had picked somewhere that was available and happened to be owned by a friend. I was saving up, and I’d soon be able to buy a place of my own. My work was going well, actually, I had health insurance through the military, and I had a savings thanks to life insurance and SGLI, the Servicemembers' Group Life Insurance. It was weird that I even got a death gratuity because of losing Marshall. A gratuity for death.

As if they planned on having their people die overseas and had a checklist for what happened to those left behind.

I shook my head and lay down, trying to close my eyes. There were all sorts of checklists for widows. I had even printed one out from the internet so I knew what I needed to do. Paperwork-wise, house-wise, and everything else-wise.

Of course, most of the things regarding health and personal stuff I was already doing by myself. Marshall had rarely been home. It was like having two different lives. One where my husband lived with me, and one where I was a woman waiting for her husband to return home. Now, I knew he would never be coming home.

I shook my head and let myself rest, slowly waiting for morning to arrive.

By the time I woke up, the sun was just edging over the horizon. I rarely slept full nights these days, but I had learned to nap. I drank my water, I ate my fruits and vegetables. Everything on the checklist to take care of myself.

I worked out, showered, and got myself some coffee and a bagel. I was craving carbs and cream cheese, so I dove into it. I was just about to head to my studio in the back to work when the doorbell rang. I frowned. It must be a Montgomery. It was always a Montgomery or someone close to them.

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