Page 52 of From Our First

“So what if I am?” I asked, exhausted. “I need everything to be fine. I know it’s cliché to say we didn’t mean for it to turn out as it did, but it’s true. We just fell into each other. I didn’t mean to sleep with her; it just happened. And it’s never going to happen again.”

Arden stared at me for a long moment, and I sighed. It looked as if she was going to yell at me before she closed her eyes and let out a slow breath.

“I love you. You’re my twin and a part of my soul. But I don’t want you to get hurt. This situation is complicated. Everything about it is.”

I reached for my beer and took another swig so I could get my thoughts in order. “I know. I know it’s complicated, and I know that neither of us actually has a handle on what we fucking want in our lives. But we do know that if we don’t get it together, we’ll end up hurting each other. We’ll hurt our friends and family. And I don’t want that. I don’t want somebody to get hurt because I’m an idiot.”

My sister looked at me, dark circles under her eyes, her body so frail. She’d had another flare recently, and it was taking its toll on her. But she was here. Making decisions and being a positive force in the world.

And if she could do that, then so could I.

“I love you, baby brother.”

“And I love you, baby sister.”

“I like Myra, Nate. I did before, as well. I honestly never thought she could do what her parents accused her of. It was so out of character for her.”

I winced and took another sip of my beer. “It was. That’s why it broke me.”

“And I know you well enough to realize it must have taken something genuine for you to believe that she could have done something like that.”

“I should’ve kept the pictures to show her, and we could have gotten over it. But I think the damage was already done by then.”

“You didn’t want to keep pictures of the woman you loved having sex with someone else,” she said bitterly.

“True, but I still handled everything poorly.”

“So, have you groveled enough yet?” she asked.

I shook my head. “Not nearly enough.”

“And that’s the right answer. You’re never going to be with her again?” she asked, her gaze on mine.

“I don’t think I can. I think we’re past that. We missed our window. We made so many mistakes. We don’t get a second or a fourth chance.”

“But the first time you guys finally had some barriers knocked down, you went for each other. You had hope, even in those most precious of moments. Are you sure you can walk away from that?”

I set my beer down again and looked at the dogs curled up in a ball, already napping on the kitchen floor. “I don’t know if I have a choice, Arden. I don’t know what I feel anymore. It’s all tangled up in a mess that’s ugly and complicated.”

“Sometimes, love is ugly and complicated. It’s what you get out of it that makes it’s true purpose.”

“But it’s not just me. I hurt her so much, Arden. I don’t think I deserve her.”

“The first thing you need to do is find out if you want to be a man who deserves her. And then you have to find a way to be him.”

“And that’s the crux of it, isn’t it?” I asked, letting out a breath.

“Figure it out. I know you can do it. I love you, Nate. I don’t want to see you hurt again.”

“And I don’t want to be the one that causes pain.”

And that was my problem. And something I still didn’t have a solution for.

Chapter 13

Myra

It had beena week since my reality had shifted once more, and I still didn’t have my feet on the ground. A week since my parents were on my doorstep, along with my cousin, lies on their tongues, and the truth buried under miles of deceit. I felt like I was still trying to come up for air, the world suffocating me. But Icouldfind my way. I had to. That didn’t make what I had to do today any easier, though.

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