Page 82 of Shameless With Him

“You gave her your last piece of gum. That is like a vow of marriage when you’re eight.”

“Zoey.”

“I’m just saying. Every time. Every state. Every long-distance meeting. At the campsite, at college.”

“I don’t want to talk about college.”

“Tough shit. Because we’re going to. I’ve always had a crush on you, Caleb. And I know part of you has always known that.”

He didn’t say anything, but I saw the answers in his eyes.

I let out a breath and started to pace. “And I don’t even know why I’m baring myself to you right now, but I guess I’m kind of tired of hiding things. Maybe like you’re tired of hiding the fact that you’re sick. But, no, you didn’t tell me that. You had to pass out at my sister’s wedding.” I held up a hand as he almost started to speak again. “But I digress. I’ll get back to that in a minute. You hurt me, Caleb. You hurt me using someone from your past. And, yes, you said it was platonic, just friends, and I truly believe that. Because I don’t think you’re that cruel. I don’t think you would actually cheat on me. But you still did something in the vague vicinity of infidelity. And part of me is angry at myself for even letting it get this far.”

“None of this is on you,” he said quickly.

“Part of it is. I should have asked for labels. I should have said that we were exclusive. Because we never put those parameters on our relationship. So, I honestly can’t get angry about that.”

“Yeah, you can. I was an asshole.”

“I’m glad we both agree on that.” I smiled ruefully. “Anyway, I can get over Christy. Because I like her.” I let out a laugh. “Just like I liked every single other woman who’s ever been in your life. Because they’re amazing women, and you have great taste. But I don’t think I can get over the fact that you didn’t tell me you were sick. I asked you point-blank if you were feeling okay several times, and you said, ‘oh, it’s just a headache.’ But you had migraines. To the point where you’re in a hospital right now and waiting on test results. Migraines that made you move from Alaska to Colorado. And you never told me. Why? Why did you feel that you couldn’t trust me with this information? You told your family, but you didn’t tell me. The woman you’re sleeping with. The person you spend most of your time with. That tells me that I was nothing more than just a warm body in a bed for you. Because you needed to tell me that. You should have. And I don’t know what to do about the fact that you couldn’t and didn’t.” Tears fell freely down my cheeks, and Caleb moved, trying to get closer.

A nurse walked in with a frown. “Your vitals are up. Don’t bother him, miss.”

“It’s fine,” Caleb said gruffly. “I’m fine. Leave us alone, okay?”

The nurse raised a brow.

I turned. “I’m almost done, I’m sorry. I’ll try to be calm.”

“And I didn’t mean to be rude. I apologize. I’m a bastard. I know it. We just need a minute.”

The nurse looked at both of us, gave us a tight nod, and then walked away.

“I don’t know how to explain it other than I was scared.”

I looked at him then, surprised. “What?” I said.

“I was scared,” he repeated. “I didn’t tell my brothers or Amelia until well after I had moved back here. I was scared because I didn’t know what was happening. I had a hallucination in Alaska, Zoey. Saw things that weren’t there. And I was afraid. I couldn’t work in my old job, couldn’t trust myself, so I came here. Now, I work behind a fucking desk because I was scared. And, yeah, I like my job now, but I changed everything in my life because I didn’t have the answers. And I was too chickenshit to do anything about it.”

I wanted to reach out and hold him, to tell him that everything was going to be okay, but I held myself back. I didn’t know if I could hold him, and frankly, I didn’t know if I had that right anymore. If I ever had. “I just really wish you would’ve told me. And I guess it’s selfish of me to want to know more about you, but because you used it against me, it feels a little personal.”

“I only did all of that so you wouldn’t be hurt.”

I blinked. “Excuse me?”

“I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I know it makes no sense. But like…what if it was a tumor? I didn’t want you to have to date a guy that could die.”

I just looked at him, aghast. “You shut up right now. You don’t get to make those choices for me.”

“I didn’t mean to. I just didn’t know how to tell you. What to tell you. Because I didn’t have any answers. I mean, I knew I needed to open up, but I didn’t want to until I had an actual battle plan and answers. You know?”

“Maybe. I don’t know, Caleb.” I started to pace, the gold of my dress swishing under the harsh hospital lights.

“I had it in my head that once I had answers, things would be okay. That I would be able to fix it and would be able to talk it over with you. It was like this block in my head, and I couldn’t stop keeping it a secret. It made no sense. But I am sorry. I was just scared.”

I moved forward, swallowing hard. I was so close then that I reached out, trailing my fingertips across his hand. He gripped my fingers, squeezing tightly. It startled me.

“I’m sorry, Zoey. If I could go back and change it all, I would. I would tell you everything. Even if I was scared. Because I wanted to. I really did. I just couldn’t.”

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