Page 75 of Shameless With Him

My mother gave me a sharp look as I smiled too brightly and blinked away any tears that might come.

“What’s wrong?” she whispered.

“Nothing. Just really excited about the wedding and the baby coming. All big things all at once.”

And my broken heart lay shattered between us, its shards icy as it stabbed into my feet when I took the few steps towards the wedding party.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

I shook my head. “Nothing. Nothing can be wrong right now. This day is for Lacey. We’ll talk later.”

“Okay. I love you.”

Tears stung my eyes, and I nodded. “I know. I love you, too.”

“Okay, are you ready?” Lacey asked, and I nodded, averting my gaze so she wouldn’t see the pain in my eyes.

I didn’t want anyone to see. And yet I was going to be on display, a spectacle, I was going to have to show the world that I was fine, even though I was nothing of the sort. I was broken, dying, and there was nothing left for me.

The wedding began, and the very pregnant sister began her walk, breathing very quietly, even though I knew she had to be in pain. Her husband met her at the end, kissed her, and then her belly, to the cheers and sighs of nearly everyone in the room, and then went with her to sit at the bride’s side, rather than standing. And then John’s other two sisters went, and I followed, walking alone down my path towards the altar, keeping my gaze from my family. And Caleb.

I didn’t look at him, I couldn’t.

I just stood there, wondering what I was going to do.

Wondering what was left.

There was nothing left. There could be nothing left.

The wedding continued, and I didn’t pay attention to any of it. I held my sister’s bouquet when she handed it to me, and then I gave it back when that time came. I looked down at the flowers I had painstakingly worked on for hours, and I felt nothing. No joy, no pain. Nothing.

And then they announced Lacey and John as husband and wife, and John dipped my sister in the most romantic kiss I’d ever seen, one that sent tears to my eyes, and I was grateful that others were crying.

They would think that I was crying for the happiness of it all, not for the jagged remnants of who I once was.

And then the happy couple walked down the aisle, and Caleb took a few steps towards me, his hand out.

“Are you ready?”

I looked at him, the love of my life, the crush I’d had since I was little, and I smiled brightly, knowing I was showing teeth. “Of course,” I said, my voice hoarse.

I slid my hand into his, and we walked calmly down the aisle. I ignored him. I ignored everyone.

As soon as we were around the corner where no one could see, I let go, and I kept walking, needing to breathe.

Photos would have to wait. I couldn’t focus, I had to suck in a breath.

Was this a panic attack?

I didn’t know. My chest hurt, and I tried to breathe, but I couldn’t draw in air.

“Zoey.”

I turned on Caleb, thankful that we were alone on this side of the barn.

But people could come by at any minute, and I couldn’t focus.

“You need to go.”

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