Page 83 of Shameless With Him

“You didn’t,” I corrected.

“And I guess, I don’t know, I don’t even know how we started dating,” he said, and I took a step back. He held on to my hand, though. I couldn’t move. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Please explain to me exactly what you did mean.” I said the words very slowly; crisp and precise.

“All I know is that you’ve always been a part of my life. And then somehow you were a different part, and I didn’t know how or when exactly that happened. All I knew was that I really liked it. I liked you being in my life. I liked the fact that I had you there. Not only was the sex amazing—because it is,” he said, and I laughed despite myself. “God, I love that laugh.”

“Don’t,” I warned, sobering instantly.

“You’re right. Hell, if I could get down on my knees right now and grovel, I would, but I really don’t have the energy.”

“You don’t have to get on your knees to grovel,” I muttered.

He smiled then, and it went right to my heart.

Stupid heart.

“I made so many mistakes. And not telling you exactly what I feel, and what was going on with me is probably the biggest one. But I kept things casual. I even told you that. I needed to keep things that particular way because I wasn’t sure what the future would hold. I’m still not a hundred percent sure, but it doesn’t look as grey or as dark as it did.”

“I’m not very good at casual,” I blurted.

“I know. You’re in the business of love and romance, and you deserve something more than casual, but you were never a pity fuck.”

“Well, never make me feel like one again.”

“Does that mean you’ll take me back?”

I shrugged, my heart racing, and my head pounding. “I don’t know. Because what if something else happens and you run away again? What if you hide important things from me because you’re too scared to talk about them? I’m supposed to be your partner. That’s what a relationship is. And if I can’t trust you to tell me the scary things, then how can I trust you with anything else? How can I trust you with me? My heart?”

He leaned forward and ran his hand over my arm. It was the only part I let him reach. “I’m going to try and do better. Because I never want to make you feel that way again. I was scared, and I admit that freely. I’m not a man who admits those kinds of things.”

“I know.”

Caleb was always strong, the fierce protector who lurked in the background. He’d always been with his family, even back when things weren’t great between them all. So, having him admit that vulnerability was a deep thing. I just hated that I had gotten hurt because of it.

“I want to fix this,” Caleb said. “Tell me how.”

“You have to talk to me. You have to tell me things.”

“I will. I promise. Just like I’m going to tell my family. Hell, I’ve got to be better at this.”

“You really do.” There was a pause as I tried to figure out what I wanted to do, what I wanted to say. I was so worried that I was going to say the wrong thing. Or that he wasn’t going to say anything at all.

“You love me?” he asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. I froze.

“You remember that?”

“Of course, I do. You said you loved me.”

“Just don’t throw it in my face. Because it’s bad enough that we have all the same friends, and your family is so close to me now. I just…I can’t. Because I’ve loved you forever, you asshole.”

He grinned then, and it finally reached his eyes. “I love you, too, Zoey-girl. And as soon as I can, as soon as I get out of this bed, I’m going to grovel on my knees and show you that I love you. Because I want you in my life, I want to figure out exactly how to be the kind of person who shares. And I want to be that person with you. You’ve been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I don’t want to lose you. I love you, Zoey-girl. Take me back. Forgive me. And tell me exactly what I need to do to earn your trust again.”

While I didn’t really have anything to say, I couldn’t anyway because the tears were flowing freely.

This was the Caleb Carr I had fallen in love with. The Caleb I had always known was buried deep down inside. And as I leaned down and kissed his lips, I knew that I would forgive him, even if he did need to grovel a bit more.

Because I had loved him since I was eight, and through every incarnation of him in my life, I had loved his soul, his smile, just him. As he trailed his fingers down my cheek and whispered my name, I knew I had forgiven him already.

I had been scared before, too, and I had pushed others away because of it.

I understood.

And he would be mine. It was a promise I had made when I was little, and it was a promise I was finally going to keep.

I had written Caleb Carr on my heart years ago, and as he held me in that hospital room, and we looked towards the future that wouldn’t be perfect but would be ours, I knew I would write it again and again.

Because I was shameless when it came to Caleb Carr.

And that was just fine with me.

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