Page 72 of Breathless With Her

It didn’t seem fair that he died so young.

So now, I was weeping into my edible cookie dough, worried about him rather than my own life. And that was good. Because I was allowed to be sad about Heath. I couldn’t be sad about my own decisions. Because I had been the one to make them.

I had been the one who made those mistakes.

So, if I was feeling poorly or wanting to throw myself off a bridge or something because I was that stupid, it was my own fault. And that was just something I would have to live with.

I was an idiot.

Patrick said something to Kat when they were on those swings, and I just closed my eyes, trying not to think of Devin.

I didn’t know if I wanted to get to the end of the movie where Kat tells him all the things she hates about him. But mostly the thing that she hates about herself.

Because that was me.

I hated myself so much.

I’d been so worried about getting hurt, that I had hurt the person who mattered the most.

And it wasn’t until I was actually saying the words to him, being callous and cruel, trying to push him away, that I realized how much I cared about him.

Now, I couldn’t take that back. I couldn’t magically make everything better and heal him.

He didn’t deserve that.

He deserved someone that wouldn’t lash out when they got scared. He deserved happiness.

And I definitely wasn’t that.

The scene cut to Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and I paused the film, not knowing if I wanted to continue the movie. Plus, I was a little nauseous from all the cookie dough I had eaten.

They said it was completely edible and egg-free, and I had yet to get salmonella from any type of cookie dough, but maybe this would be my lot in life.

I was a baker, after all. Dying by baked goods and bad decisions seemed like the perfect thing to be written on my tombstone.

My doorbell rang. I sniffed and looked over my shoulder.

It wouldn’t be Devin. He wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t come to me, trying to get me to work it out, or even just to get me to speak with him.

He hadn’t called, hadn’t texted. And I hadn’t reached out either. His last words to me were that I had hurt him. I deserved the pain I felt.

Because I was stupid.

I sat my cookie dough down next to my glass of wine, the one I hadn’t really touched because I didn’t want to get drunk again.

I’d had too many drinks when I found out that Nicholas was cheating on me.

And thinking about that just made me think of Devin, so I hadn’t even taken a sip of my wine.

It felt weird to waste a good glass, but it just wasn’t in me.

Nothing was anymore.

I opened the door. Zoey stood there, a bit of pity in her eyes, but also some anger.

I deserved that, though, didn’t I?

I was a horrible person.

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