Page 55 of Breathless With Her

But we were her children. Her responsibility. And as soon as she had been able to hoist that responsibility off onto someone else, she’d left. Just like Dad had.

But at least I knew where my mom was. I didn’t know where my dad was. And I needed to know. I just needed to know.

“You hired someone,” Jennifer said, her voice dull.

“I need to know where he is, Jenn. Need to know what happened. Why he didn’t come back.”

“Because he’s a deadbeat father. That’s why he didn’t come back.”

“Maybe. But I need to know.”

I kept repeating it, and Jennifer kept pulling away.

“Good for you. But I’m done. He left us, Erin. Left us with our crazy mom.”

“Mom isn’t crazy,” I said, rationalizing it like I always did. Yes, she was irresponsible now, but she had been responsible during our childhood. She’d kept us fed and clothed. That had to count for something.

“You know, maybe Mom isn’t crazy. But she’s living in a commune with a group of people we don’t know because she was done dealing with life after raising us.” Jennifer shook her head and pushed past me to fold a pile of clothes she had made. I tried to help, but she flicked her hand, pushing me away. “I have my family,” she said, continuing. “I have my life. I don’t need Dad.”

I looked down at my hands, and then at her, wondering why what I had wasn’t enough for me. Why it had never been enough. “I don’t have that. I guess I just need to see. Let me have this.” I didn’t know why I needed her to be okay with my decision. Why I had thought that maybe she’d want to come with me if I ever got a chance to see him.

But she wasn’t going to. She wanted nothing to do with it or with him. And I hated myself a little for how badly I wanted to know more. To knowhim.

“And when you get hurt, you know what you can do?” Jennifer rolled on me, and I took a step back, pain radiating through my heart and down my arms. I didn’t want her to hate me. I didn’t want her to push me away like everyone else had.

Because everyone did.

Just like Devin would eventually.

“What? What happens when I get hurt?” I asked, my voice hollow.

“Fuck,” Jennifer muttered. “I won’t say I won’t be there. That I won’t be by your side. Because I’m always going to be. I’m your big sister, damn it. I will always be here for you. But I can’t see him. I can’t talk to him. I hope you understand that.”

“I do. It’s my decision.”

“Okay. So, just don’t get hurt. Because you don’t deserve that. None of us do.”

And then she opened her arms, and I curled into my big sister. Our lives hadn’t been perfect, far from it. But we always had each other.

She was the one person I knew I could rely on, no matter what happened.

That was a lesson I had learned young. One I had brought with me.

I’d tried to lean on Nicholas, attempted to make my marriage work. And I failed.

I wasn’t going to do it again.

Chapter 12

Devin

* * *

There wasa Tim McGraw song that had come out when I was like a freshman in high school or so, and it flashed in my mind as soon as I saw Erin slide into my truck. It was like we were in Texas, and there were cowboys and ranches and horses around. I swore I could hear the familiar twang, and even though it wasn’t Labor Day weekend, and I wasn’t seventeen, I could just see that song as she came up to me in that miniskirt. And, yes, I was indeed wearing a white T-shirt. One that, according to her, was tight enough to showcase the muscles in my arms, and the ink sliding down my sleeves.

Not too bad.

But that damn miniskirt? Yeah, she was killing me in it.

---