Page 34 of Breathless With Her

“I can do my best. But…you don’t want serious? Okay. We can try that. ‘Cause I want to be your friend, Erin.” I didn’t really realize the truth of that statement until I had said the words out loud. But there they were. And I couldn’t take them back.

“Like friends with benefits?” she asked, that same shy look from before on her face.

“Well, yeah. We can make that work. Right?”

“Right.”

And even though she’d said the words, I had a feeling neither of us knew exactly what that meant.

But I didn’t want to say goodbye to her. Not fully. Not when I didn’t really know what was going on. I didn’t know what I wanted. And I had a feeling she didn’t really know either.

But what we’d had tonight? It meant something. I had a feeling we would have to figure out what that was.

Chapter 7

Erin

* * *

My lips were still swollen,I had beard burn on my inner thighs, and I was sore in all the right places. Yet I couldn’t really be too excited about it or think about it at all because I was waiting for Nicholas to show up.

How was this my life?

I legit didn’t know anymore.

I hadn’t seen my ex-husband since he left. Vacated the home we’d shared for years. He’d walked out of the house that day, but he’d walked out of my life long before that. Honestly, a little earlier than I’d even thought.

Because if he’d actually been with me this past year, maybe we’d have made it. Perhaps he’d have loved me.

Maybe I would still love him.

I rubbed the skin over my heart with my fist and let out a long sigh.

My thoughts felt like they were going in a thousand different directions. It was a little hard to think about the fact that I’d just been with Devin last night, and now this. I couldn’t process it. How was I supposed to sort through it all?

I didn’t remember what I had said to my friends after I slept with Nicholas the first time. I could only remember that it hadn’t lasted that long, and it had hurt—and not in a good way. But we had gotten better at it over time. Nicholas had been my only until now. My first. And until I walked in on him banging an ex-high school cheerleader, I had thought that he would be my one and only. My last. I had been so wrong. So wrong. But when it came to him, it seemed I had been wrong about a lot of things.

I didn’t like myself when I thought about him. I didn’t like that I felt like I was getting bitter, feeling a little more like I wanted to talk bad about him and just live in my angst and anger.

So, when I told him that I wanted a divorce, I had tried to push him out of my mind.

I had grieved the loss of our relationship. I had mourned for the person I no longer was. Honestly, I had even been sad about the years we lost.

But I didn’t know if I could really be at the point where I could say “well, at least we had those years. At least I had time to change and become the person I am.”

Because I currently stewed in my anger about Nicholas. I was steeped in a feeling of being lost and the fact that I didn’t know who I was anymore. So, I wasn’t sure I could say that I cherished the time we had together. It was as if a cloud of darkness had been painted over them, and I couldn’t quite comprehend exactly what had been good or bad.

There must have been some decent years. I didn’t like to think I was the type of person who would have stayed no matter how hard the bad spots got. Or when and if those bad spots became terrible. What I did know is that I couldn’t just push through the bad parts anymore. I didn’t know what that said about me. And because I didn’t know, I tried to push it all away and become a different person once the divorce was finalized.

But I wasn’t really sure what would happen next. With me. With Devin. Or with my ex-husband, who would be at my front door any minute.

I looked down at my hands and fisted them in front of me.

I had cried, and I had come home.

Cried.

Not from shame. But somethingwasdifferent inside of me. What we’d shared had been the best sex of my life. Perhaps one of the best moments of my life period.

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