Page 16 of His Custody

She ran and ran and no one was there. That’s when she would start yelling for Jasper and she’d wake up with his name in her mouth.

Flinging the door wide open—she didn’t care that it slammed against the wall—she flew down the hall, not stopping until there was only one thing left between them. “Jasper!”

Between the pounding of her small fist on his door and her shouting, he was at the door, bleary-eyed and spiky-haired, in less than a minute. His arms had barely gone up before she pushed between them, wrapped her arms around his ribcage and held tight, her face pressed into his chest. He held her close, laid his stubbly face on the top of her head, hushed her.

At her last birthday party, her school friends had had a lot to say about Jasper. The girls were divided between thinking he was really hot and really scary.

“Scary? Jasper’s not scary. He’s nice.”

“Keyne, are you serious? If he were in a movie, he would totally kill people.”

Well, sure. But not everyone who killed people in movies was bad. He would be one of the good guys. She was sure of it. But even the girls who thought he was good looking were intimidated. “He’s so intense. How can you even talk to him? I can’t believe he’s Gavin’s brother.”

“Yeah, well, he’s like my brother, too, so stop talking about how hot he is. You’re grossing me out.” That had been a white lie. It hadn’t grossed her out, but something about thinking of Jasper as handsome had made her uncomfortable in a way she couldn’t quite name.

She’d never thought of Jasper as scary. She understood how other people could think he was scary with his big, blocky body and the way his forehead sloped into his brow-bone. He was like a human pit bull. But he’d never turned that snarl on her, no matter how obnoxious she was. Maybe his scariness was part of what made her feel safe with him.

“You’re all right. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

She clutched at Jasper through his shirt. She was getting accustomed to seeing him in his boxers and a T-shirt, the soft fabric clinging to him in surprising ways. Growing up, he’d just been there so she’d never thought much about his body. But she did now. How broad and muscular he was, how hairy his legs and his forearms were. And his chest. She could feel the springy hair under her cheek through his shirt. So different from Gavin. She wondered if someday Gavin’s lanky but soft frame would have grown, hardened into something like this. Would she have wanted it to?

Gavin had made her feel adored, loved, like the prettiest, most special girl on earth. He had worshiped her. But Jasper... Jasper made her feel like it didn’t matter if she were pretty or smart or strong or any of the other things Gavin loved about her. He would protect her no matter what, because she was her. He was holding her, comforting her, because she was her. It calmed her. As did his deep voice that rumbled in his chest, and the way he swayed from side to side. It should’ve made her feel unsteady, like she was out at sea again, but Jasper wouldn’t be moved unless he wanted to be. He rocked her and she let him.

“Dreaming again?”

She nodded against him and her breath hitched, tears threatening to rise up again.

“I’m sorry, Keyne.”

God, he sounded sad. And despite her own crushing misery, she wanted to make him feel better. Despite having known him her whole life, she didn’t know much about Jasper, didn’t know how to comfort him the way he did her. He’d always been aloof, like he had everything he needed, as if he were entirely self-contained. But he’d never liked to see her upset or unhappy. The only thing she knew right now was he liked making her feel better.

“Jas?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I stay with you tonight?”

There was a small, almost inaudible huff, and she could feel him shake his head. “Keyne...”

“Please? It’s the only way I don’t have nightmares. It’s the only way I can sleep.”

He hesitated. Maybe tonight would be the night he turned her away, told her no, to go back to her own room and suffer through it. But he sighed into her hair and let her go to look in her eyes and rub her arms, his thumb coasting over the scar that was still angry and red.

“We can’t keep doing this.”

“I know. But...”

“But for now, okay.”

He led her to his bed, held the covers up for her to climb in and then he lay down beside her, lifted his arm for her to slide under. She snuggled up against him. The heat of his body relaxed her, let her limbs go loose and her head go heavy. She was so tired, and her body hurt. Grief hurt, heartache was exhausting. But tonight, she could sleep in peace. For a while.

Sometime in the morning she woke. There was sunlight streaming in where the sides of the curtain didn’t quite meet the window frame. Jasper was holding her close, his scruffy face buried against her neck, his arm resting heavy over her ribs and his... his... penis hard against her back.

It seemed silly, but before that first morning when she’d woken up to his hardness against her, she hadn’t thought of Jasper as having a penis. She knew, of course, Jasper was a boy and of course he had boy parts, but it’s not like she walked around, looking at all the boys and men she knew, thinking, “Hey, that guy has a penis.” But she’d become very aware of Jasper’s penis over the past week.

It had startled her the first time but hadn’t scared her. Now it was just a fact. She had been familiar with every inch of Gavin, including his penis. She’d explored it with her hands and with her mouth because she’d been curious. Had puzzled over it, studied it, tried to imagine what it would be like to have your desire, yourwantoutside of your body instead of tucked away inside of you. She tried and she couldn’t, no matter how much she’d touched Gavin while he lay there or stood, letting her do whatever she wanted. He’d been so sweet to her.

The first morning he’d woken up with a hard-on beside her, he’d been red-faced. Stammered, “Tiki, I’m sorry. It’s, you know, morning wood. It doesn’t mean anything.”

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