Page 74 of The Five Stages of Courting Dalisay Ramos

When she was on the trip, she made a special detour through Manila, so she could visit his grave. She sat there for an hour, looking at his name, and missing him so terribly, it felt like she might never be whole again. She told him about her life in America, working at Overnight, how she’d thought he would have loved playing board games with her in The Basement. She told him she wants to come back for All Souls’ Day next year, and that she hopes he knows that she’s okay.

She makes sure not to put his box of belongings in the garage sale pile.

The next box she finds must have been one of the last to get packed up, because random knickknacks and items are nestled in here too, like candlesticks, an old vase, some paper flowers, and one of Daniel’s soccer trophies from high school. The closer it got to their move date, the less careful they became about packing in favor of making sure everything made it into the shipping container. Those last few days in Manila were a blur. She barely remembers any of it, but somehow one of her books made it into this box—her old diary. She thought she’d lost it in the move, but she must have thrown it in here during the chaos.

Emotion creeps up her throat as she picks it up and flips through it, scanning the bubble lettering of her youth. Years pass in a second as she thumbs through the pages. Her last entry was the day before her dad died. The rest of the pages are blank. She never wrote in it again.

Curiously, she flips back to the familiar section of the diary where she had the list of traits she wanted in her perfect man. The list is a lot longer than she remembered. It goes for a hundred lines, and Dalisay smiles at her ambition. Nicole was right; Dalisay was never going to find someone who met all that criteria. But the last line is the most important one, the ink darker—the pen having gone over the lines more than once for emphasis—as if her younger self was putting all her anger into the page.

101. Someone who makes me happy.

She remembers now. She added it after things ended with Luke. As if she needed a reminder that Luke had failed on all fronts in that regard.

A laugh catches in her throat and she looks at the words written by a girl who wanted so much from the world but was always too cautious to find it. Being happy is all she really wants, and she was happy with Evan. She really was. Being with him was like she’d finally set foot on solid ground after being at sea for years.

But it was too late to talk to him. By the time she mellowed out, too much time had passed, and she was sure he never wanted to speak with her again. She typed, deleted, and re-typed so many texts that she never ended up sending, she had to block his number so she wouldn’t make a fool of herself and call him in a moment of weakness.

She kept looking at their old texts, unable to avoid smiling when she came across his accidental kissy-face emoticon. At the time she’d thought he’d done it on purpose, a ploy to get under her skin. But when he awkwardly tried to backpedalseconds later, it made her laugh so hard, she snorted milk tea up her nose. Maybe it was in that moment that she really had a change of heart about him.

Their last night together, she’d been so caught up in her pain, it was hard for her to think of anything else, even as their fight dissolved everything they’d built. She panicked. And she ran.

She stores her old diary in the safekeeping pile.

Later that morning, still with cobwebs in her hair, Dalisay finds her mother sitting on the deck outside. The sun is rising, casting the backyard in a warm, orange glow while her mom reads a book with her coffee in a thermos on the armrest. Dalisay remembers how her parents used to sit outside every morning before work, drinking their coffee and reading on the balcony in their apartment in Manila. Now the deck chair next to her mom is empty.

Dalisay collapses into it and lets out a sigh.

“Where is everyone?” she asks.

Mom doesn’t look up from her book. “Daniel’s in the garage, Lola’s on her walk, and Nicole is …” Her eyes lift slightly from her book. “I believe she’s still in her room.”

They’re still not talking. It’s been months, and Nicole and their mom can barely be in the same room as each other. It’s a bad habit in the family not to talk about the things that are bothering them, and their mom is the reigning champ. She would rather pretend it never happened than ever admit she did anything wrong.

There’s something about the calm of the morning that suddenly makes Dalisay snap. They’re not in Manila anymore, herfather isn’t here anymore, she and Evan aren’t …Nothingis right, not when her sister is spending all her time in her room to avoid their mother, and she’s sick of pretending that it is.

Remember where you came from, her father said.Remember where you’re going.

Nothing has to stay the same.

“I was sleeping with Evan,” Dalisay says.

Mom goes stiff and she turns to look at Dalisay, like her head is on a rusty joint. “Excuse me?”

Dalisay knows this is a can she cannot stuff worms back into. Heat spreads on her face, but she’s committed. “When Evan and I were dating, we were having sex.”

“Dalisay Rose—”

“Are you going to throw me out for losing my virginity before marriage?”

Her mom’s eyes are wide as she stares, totally at a loss for words.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you would react like this,” says Dalisay.

“Have you lost it? What man will want to marry you if you’re not a virgin?”

“Guess I don’t want to marry someone who cares about that in the first place.”

Mom’s face is bright red when another voice comes from behind. “I smoke weed.” It’s Daniel. He’s standing in the doorway, leaning on the frame, arms crossed over his chest. The glint of the morning light makes the lenses on his glasses look like they’re on fire. “After studying all day, I like to unwind. Shall I pack my bags too?”

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