Page 63 of The Five Stages of Courting Dalisay Ramos

“I didn’t want to say anything, even at the baby shower, but … You looked so happy. I thought you should know. I love you.” Dalisay can’t remember the last time she’s actually said it. “I love you more than anything in this whole world. I don’t want you to forget that.”

Nicole continues to stare out the window.

“You deserve to be loved.” Dalisay clears her throat. “That’s all I care about.”

Nicole doesn’t say anything for a long time, even while Dalisay turns the car into Outer Richmond, past all the marina-style houses Nicole always says she wants to live in one day.

“I wish I could help you more than I can,” Dalisay says. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone.”

“I know. But it’s my choice, my decision, to tell people or not.”

That’s fair, Dalisay thinks. Pinky is right. No one is entitled to know another person’s sexuality. “I’m sorry I put you in a tough spot with Claire at the shower.”

Nicole huffs out a laugh. “I knew I could only keep it a secret for so long … I didn’t think Claire would mean as much to me as she does.”

“I get it … I really do,” Dalisay says. “How’d you two meet?”

Nicole shifts in her seat, like the subject makes her want to crawl out of her skin, but she takes a deep breath and finally says, “It’s stupid.”

“I bet it’s not.”

Nicole rolls her eyes, and the corner of her mouth lifts up as she relents. “I couldn’t find the urine cups.”

“Okay, that is stupid.” Nicole slaps Dalisay on the arm and Dalisay laughs.

“I was in the storeroom and couldn’t find the urine cups, someone didn’t put them in the usual place, so I was practically tearing up the room to find them and Claire came in because she heard all the noise and helped me.” As she talks, Nicole’s face gets redder, and she trails off toward the end like she’s run out of air.

Dalisay can’t stop smiling. She’s never heard her sister sound so sweet.

Nicole takes another shuddering breath and wrings her hands in her lap. “I don’t …knowwhat I am, okay?” she says, so quietly Dalisay almost doesn’t hear her over the rumble of the tires. “I can’t …” She pauses and takes a deep breath. “Claire is … special. We started out as friends at first, and I didn’t think … She’s … She makes me feel like I’m on top of the world. I … I don’t want to have this defining thing, this capital letter adjective that everyone uses when they talk about me.”

Dalisay doesn’t say anything. She keeps her eyes on the road.

“I’m scared that if I do come out, it’ll change …everything.” She says it like she’s gasping for breath. Dalisay’s eyes flick to her and she sees Nicole’s chin wobbling. Nicole furtively wipes her eyes on the back of her wrists and takes a shaking breath. She’s always kept everything close to her chest, like she doesn’t want the world to see her in a way she can’t control. When they were little, she used to be the one who would scrape her knee and smile and say it didn’t hurt, but Dalisay knew she would go into their room later and cry.

Dalisay has no idea what it feels like to carry that kind of burden. The world is a cruel, sometimes unforgiving place, and to be different in a world obsessed with categories and boxes … It must be terrifying.

“Maybe you should invite Claire over to the house.”

Nicole whips her head, eyes wide, terrified. “What! Are you crazy?”

“Mom needs to get used to her, just like she got used to Evan.”

“It’s not the same!”

“You don’t have to tell her anything!”

Nicole scoffs again and shakes her head. “She’s not stupid.”

“If you tell her, she’ll be shocked at first, we both know that, but she’ll see how you two are together. She has to understand.”

“Does she? Have to?” Nicole asks.

Nicole has always been the one to sayyes; Dalisay has been the one to sayno, finding a million reasons not to do something. For once, their roles have reversed.

Dalisay takes in a deep breath. “Evan and I have been sleeping together.”

Nicole’s eyes go wide. “Don’t tell me Mom knows.”

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