Page 61 of Something in Between

I laugh, it’s so absurd. “No!” I want to hug him. “I told you, you’re the only one.” The only one I’ve ever fallen for, the only one who makes me feel the way I do. He’s the only one for me, which is why it hurts so much that we can’t, that we shouldn’t, be together.

He’s not laughing. “So what is it, then?” A pause, until it’s like he puts two and two together. “Wait, it’s because I disagreed with you about immigration reform, right? You don’t agree with my dad, so you’re mad at me?”

“I wish that was all it is,” I say.

He stares at me, really looks at me, and I know tears are running down my cheeks because I can feel them. “I don’t understand why the bill not passing would make you so upset. Weren’t you born in America?” he asks quietly.

I shake my head no. My throat is so tight I can’t answer.

He looks right into my eyes. “Okay, so you weren’t born here. Why do you think I would care about that? Even if you’re not American, it doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

“Really?” I ask, finding my voice at last and wiping my tears with my sleeve. “What if I told you I was undocumented?Illegal.”

“You’re...” Royce trails off.

I turn away, not wanting to see the look on his face. “See? You thinkI’ma criminal now, right? That we’re nothing but a bunch of thieves? That we’ll peek in your window at night, threatening to steal all of your mom’s precious artwork?”

“I never said I liked my mom’s art collection,” he says mildly. “You can steal it.”

I hate that he tries to make me laugh when I’m upset, but I love it too. He puts a hand on my arm gently, as if to let me know he doesn’t want me to go, that he has more to say. I stand there, refusing to face him, but not running away either.

“My parents didn’t tell me until I got the National Scholarship,” I say. “I never knew we were illegal aliens until a couple months ago.”

He steps closer to me. “Jas, I’m so sorry.”

“I can’t accept the award. I don’t have a social security number. I can’t get a driver’s license. I don’t know what’s going to happen to us. I didn’t want to tell you because I was embarrassed, and I was scared you’d tell your dad.”

“I would never do anything to hurt you or your family,” Royce says urgently. “You have to believe that. I like you, Jas. I don’t care what you are. I don’t care about any of that.”

I sniff and wipe my eyes again with my sleeve. He’s saying all the right things, and I want to believe him, but I’m too overwhelmed by my admission. I feel like a cracked egg, raw and vulnerable.

He looks right into my eyes, and I can see the hurt I feel reflected in his. He looks completely miserable. “Jas, I just want to be with you. I’m sorry I said those stupid things about that bill. If I’d known you were having trouble like that, I would have tried to help. My dad is the one who believes those things, but that’s him, not me. I don’t even know why I said that to you. I was just trying to sound smart. I’m an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot,” I say automatically.

“I’m so sorry the bill didn’t pass. I didn’t know it was so important to you. Is your family okay? What are you guys going to do?” He has both hands on my shoulders now.

I tear up again. “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“What about us?” he asks roughly.

“Us?”

“I haven’t changed my mind about you. But it sounds like you have. Are we good?” he asks, so sadly that I want to say yes, that everything’s okay, that nothing’s the matter.

But I can’t. It’s too much. I’m too exposed, dying of shame that he knows the truth about my reduced legal situation. I feel so much for him, but somehow, I’m furious too, at his dad, at his family, at his whole background that’s so different than mine. I pull away. “I don’t know. I need time to think. Can we take a break? I just need some space right now.”

He releases me, his hands going slack at his sides, his face blank. “Uh-huh. Well, how long do you need?”

“I don’t know. There’s so much going on. Family stuff we have to figure out.” I’m flooded with emotion, and I just need time to myself, time to breathe.

“Right.” He kicks the pebbles on the ground.

We stare at each other, not quite believing what is happening. Are we breaking up? Is this the end of us?

Finally he says, “I’ll be in Aspen over Christmas. I promise not to bother you until I get back. Can we talk then?”

I nod.

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