Page 130 of Something in Between

“It would?” I can’t imagine my family at such a fancy affair. Mom and Dad like to gamble during karaoke at the annual family Christmas party. Mom gets so annoyed if she doesn’t win. She’s pretty bored at any wedding where she can’t sing her heart out to “Can’t Help Falling In Love” and “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” What would she do with a bunch of politicians? Would she rope them into a thousand-dollar pool on karaoke?

I don’t even want to think about telling anyone.

My parents are going to kill me. Filipino girls from nice families aren’t supposed to elope. Everyone is going to think I’m pregnant, which is so untrue, especially as I’m still a virgin!

“Don’t worry.” He squeezes my hand. “I’ll be there to keep you company.”

“I know.” I smile.

The Chatsworth courthouse is gray, rounded, almost like a prison, with half a dozen palm trees staggered outside the front steps. When I see the building I feel the magnitude of what’s about to happen. Asecretmarriage. Who doesn’t want this? Isn’t every girl’s dream to be married to someone so handsome and caring? More important, Royce is someone who appreciates me for who I am. He’s my best friend. He doesn’t care about what country I’m from or how my family is so different from his. He loves me for me.

I glance at his profile as we walk up the steps, so proud that he’s mine. We’ll be married, and I’ll be able to stay in the country. Soon enough I’ll be an American citizen. Just like that, I’llbelong. I won’t be stuck between two countries and cultures anymore. I don’t know anything else except for America. Just this country. Just me being me. This countryowesit to me. I smile at Royce.

I should behappy. I try to keep smiling, but I can’t mask my feelings anymore. The closer I get to the front doors, the more I feel weighed down. I can barely breathe. I don’t understand what’s happening. I want to scream at myself.Keep smiling! This is the best thing that’s ever happened to you!Run in there and get married to your prince!

At the same time, I’m horrified at my thoughts.This countryowesit to me?Did I really just think that? Have I really been feeling this entitled all along? Just because I’m smart? That I believe I deserve to be American and so Royce is obligated to marry me?

I start to wonder what I’ve really done for myself. I’ve been so off-putting, ramming my agenda down everyone’s throat, including Mr. Alvarado, who’s really just trying to do his job, Royce, my family, Kayla. Everyone. I’ve been so ambitious, so sure that I deserve to be here, that I’ve allowed Royce to throw his entire world into chaos. Am I really so selfish that I would allow our relationship to be defined by my legal status? Do I really want to keep this moment from my family, the people who have cared about me my whole life?

Royce feels me come to a sudden stop at the top of the stairs.

My hand drops away from his.

“No,” I say.

He stops too. “No, what?”

“This isn’t the way to do it. There has to be another way.”

Royce turns to me. “Jasmine. There is no other way. We have to do this.”

I shake my head. “It’s not right, Royce.”

“What are you talking about? We agreed to this. We agreed to get married. It’s the only way to keep you here. You’re going to be deported thousands of miles away if we don’t.”

“The extension might still come through,” I say, struggling to hold on to hope.

I know Royce wants to do this for me, but the time isn’t right. My family isn’t here and neither is his. And this isn’t the way I want us to start our official life together. We’re young. Way too young to make this kind of commitment.

“We don’t know for sure yet that I have to leave,” I say desperately.

“What do you mean? Of course we do,” he says urgently.

“It will tear my family apart,” I say. “I can’t do this to them, or you.”

“You’re not doing anything to me. Iwantto marry you,” he pleads.

“I want it too, but we don’t really understand what we’re doing. Either of us. Don’t you see? This isn’t brave. This isn’t part of what I have to go through. This is a quick fix, a Band-Aid. All of this is going to explode if we go through with it. Can’t you see the pressure it will put on us? Our families are already stressed right now, and we need to keep them together. I have to go through this deportationwiththem. Not apart from them.”

Royce takes my hand as if he’s going to pull me inside the courthouse, as if in his desperation to keep me here he’ll force me to marry him if he has to. “I don’t want to lose you,” he says, stricken. “Please, Jas.”

“I don’t want to lose you either, but I’m scared that if we do this now, we’ll lose each other some other way later. I love you, Royce, but I can’t.” Tears are falling down my face, and my heart is breaking, but I know I’m doing the right thing.

I try to turn away, but he still has my arm. His face is ashen.

Kayla is in the distance coming toward us.

“Babe,” I whisper. I love him so much and it’s why I can’t do this to him, to us. I know I’m doing the right thing. “Please let go.”

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