Page 94 of Something in Between

My eyes are clear and so are his. Neither of us is crying. There’s nothing to cry about here. It’s just the end, and I’ve been waiting for it since we started anyway.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” I tell him. “Maybe we should.”

30

Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

—ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPÉRY,WIND, SAND AND STARS

IT’S VALENTINE’S DAYand I don’t have a valentine. Instead, I’m leaning back with a gigantic bucket of popcorn on my lap, waiting for the movie to start. I haven’t seen Royce since our fight at the playground the other week. I’m still not sure who broke up with whom. Is it my fault? Or his? All I have are questions and no answers. It’s notofficiallyofficially over. Is it? How could it be over? I can’t bring myself to check if he’s changed his Facebook status. I still have all these feelings for him, and every time I look at my phone, I expect to see a text from him.

I can’t figure out if I’m heartbroken, because I’m just numb. I also know I wasn’t completely innocent here. I have to live with that. I insulted him, I insulted his family. I said all those awful things. I’d believed they were the ones looking down on me, but it turns out I was the one who was looking down on them. How did we let it get so out of control? I keep replaying the argument in my head.

Why was I so angry? He’d been MIA, sure, but he’d come all the way out to see me. Why couldn’t I have just let it be? Why did I have to know what was bothering him and where he was? Why am I such a control freak? Why did I level those horrible accusations?

I don’t believe any of that about him, of course I don’t. I just wanted to hurt him. I hate myself right now, and I miss him. I miss him so badly I can’t taste anything.

Mom and Dad are worried about me, but I haven’t told them we broke up. Royce hadn’t been coming around a lot before this happened anyway, so it’s just status quo.

Now I’m sitting next to Lo in a dark theater. Julian is away on tour with his band, so she doesn’t have a date either. I’ve given up on Kayla. Everything hurts.

“I think you’re really going to like this movie,” Lo says, leaning over so I can hear her. I try to smile.

While waiting in line for the popcorn, Lo and I talked about her plans for next year. She’s going to do a gap year and travel, though she hasn’t decided where yet. Maybe Bali or Thailand. Or the Philippines. It’s funny. Lo wants to go on a crazy adventure to the exact place that I don’t want to go. Don’t get me wrong. The Philippines is an amazingly beautiful country, but I’d rather stay here with my family.

I let Lo pick the movie. It’s some dumb stoner comedy that I don’t really like that much. There are a few funny parts that I halfheartedly laugh at, but all I can think about is Royce, and how much I hurt him. I say the nastiest things when I’m angry, but I never mean them. I wish I could take it back.

Lo gets the sense that I don’t really like the movie and leans over to whisper in my ear. “Want to movie hop? This one is kind of a flop.”

I shake my head. “I’m not feeling very good. I think I might need to go home. I’m sorry, Lo.”

“That’s okay,” she says. “I’ll walk you out.”

I set the popcorn on the floor. I’m grateful Lo is so intuitive.

“I’m sorry I ruined your movie,” I say. “And our Galentine’s Day.”

“Don’t feel bad at all. That’s what friends are for.” She knows Royce and I are fighting, but not that we broke up. I haven’t admitted it, because telling someone would make it true.

We walk out of the theater together. The light nearly blinds me, and I have to squint to figure out where I’m walking. “You don’t have to wait with me,” I say to Lo.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Let me know how the other movie is...”

“Will do. Let’s do this again, Jas. I hang out with Julian so much, it’s nice to have a girlfriend to do things with sometimes,” Lo says, then disappears down the hallway to catch another flick.

I text my dad to pick me up. He writes back that he’s already on the way.

That’s when I look up and see Kayla come out of the bathroom. She’s wearing a flowing, silky top, short white miniskirt, and chunky heels. She’s obviously on a hot V-Day date.

I don’t move. It would look stupid if I ran and hid.

It takes a couple seconds for her to see me. She seems terrified. I expect her to run off, but she takes a deep breath and continues walking toward me.

I don’t smile. I don’t run. I don’t walk away.

She stops in front of me. “Hey, Jas.”

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