Page 92 of The Problem with Dating

“What a monster.”

“You have no idea.”

“Did knowing who Catie slept with make it easier for you to get over her? Do you think it would’ve been harder if you didn’t know?”

“No. If anything, it just cut deeper. Especially since it was with someone I hated.”

I stared down at the sidewalk as Feliz walked beside me. “For a while I wished I knew, because then I could get closure, but now that I think about it that wouldn’t be closure. It would just be more…hurt.”

“Exactly. Sometimes closure is just not giving a damn anymore.” He bit his bottom lip for a second. “Looking back, it’s probably the best thing that happened to me. Catie wasn’t the one for me. I convinced myself that she had been because she stuck around for a while. After my parents walked out on me, I sadly became a little obsessed with anyone who would stay. What about you?” he questioned, nudging me. “How the heck did you end up with someone like Cole?”

I blew out a cloud of hot smoke. “Truthfully? I think I missed my mom.”

“What does that have to do with Cole?”

“Cole lived across the street from us growing up. After my mom passed away, I’d watch him from my window when he’d play with his mom, Lindsay, in their front yard. She was a very hands-on mom throughout all the seasons. From building snowmen in the winter to setting off fireworks during the Fourth of July. I just started wandering over there to join in the activities, and one day, Cole and I were a thing. I don’t think I was looking for him, though. I was looking for a mom who made me feel included in the ways my mom used to during each season.”

“That oddly makes sense.”

“Yeah. By the time Cole and I were in high school, I knew he wasn’t the one. Deep in my gut, I saw him shift from his sweet preteen self into someone different. He started becoming popular, and he found the same kind of cockiness that his father had. He started undercutting everything I loved just to get laughter out of others, too.”

“Why did you stay?”

I gave a wistful chuckle. “Because if I lost him, I would’ve lost Lindsay, too. It sounds stupid, but it took me years of abuse to realize that I had to let her go, too. Whenever there was a fight between Cole and I, whenever I was almost ready to let go, she’d pull me back in and convinced me that he loved me. At the end of the day, she’d always be in his corner because she was his mother, not mine. She would always back her son. After the breakup, I tried to remain in contact with her, but it was too hard. She was really pushing for me and Cole to work things out. I haven’t spoken to her in a while.”

“Does that make you sad?”

A smile touched my lips for a bit before fading as the chill wind brushed against my face. “Yeah, it does.”

“It was hard for me to let go of Catie’s family. Her parents were amazing. I’m sure they still are, and well, Mandy is fantastic. Letting go of Catie’s parents felt cruel because they were always so welcoming to me. I missed them more than I’d ever missed her.”

“Exactly.”

“Goldie, do you know what you just made me realize?”

“What’s that?”

“Sometimes it’s just as hard to leave someone as it is to be left behind.”

As we walked, we moved beneath a maple tree as a burst of wind fluttered past, shaking a handful of leaves over us. I smiled toward the sky as a few leaves fell against my skin.

“Gosh, I love fall.” I blissfully sighed. “When I was a kid, my mom used to gather as many leaves as possible and build a huge pile in the front yard while I was at school. When the school bus pulled up to our house, I’d run from the bus and dive straight into the gigantic pile. She’d join me and make it a big deal every single day until there were no more leaves to dive into.”

“She sounds like she was wonderful.”

“You have no clue. I’d only had her around for a few years, but I’d give my whole life to have her for a little bit more.”

“Can I ask what happened to her?”

My mouth grew slightly dry as I rubbed a hand against my neck. “When she was pregnant with my younger sister Willow, there were complications at birth. She didn’t make it.”

Alex’s eyes showed deep sorrow. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah. Me too. She was a remarkable woman. If I could be half the mother she was, then I’d be happy.”

“You want kids some day?”

“Yes.” I nodded. “A litter of them,” I semi-joked.

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