Page 31 of Viktor at Sea

My proposal couldn’t have gone worse.

It was now two days later, and both Crosby and I were still yet to receive an answer from Astrid. Neither of us had seen her since our consecutive proposals to her. We had only seen each other as we strolled by her hut multiple times a day. I had seen enough of Crosby these past two days to last me a lifetime.

I didn’t even have the goodwill of seeing Kis. Whenever Kis was around, so was Astrid, and I was on the search for her right now.

I aimlessly walked around the island, lost in my thoughts. My stomach rumbled loudly, not for the first time today, but I couldn’t bring myself to eat. My appetite had significantly dropped since I last saw Astrid. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to nibble on more than a slice of bread every day, forcibly washing it down with water. And I wouldn’t have eaten that, either, if it didn’t feel like I was going to heave and throw up the watery contents of my stomach.

I had already proved myself unworthy of Astrid several times in the past. I didn’t need to do any more damage by spewing all over the island and risk word of it getting back to her. News spread like wildfire in Jorvik, so everyone knew that Crosby and I had proposed to Astrid within a minute of each other.

The thought of Astrid rejecting my offer of marriage and not loving me back made my stomach churn painfully.

There was no way I could stay in Jorvik if Astrid rejected me. I couldn’t stand the idea of going through every day while knowing she wasn’t mine.

It would kill me.

And seeing her married and happy with Crosby would make it all so much worse.

I wanted nothing more than to see Astrid happy, but I so wished she would see that her happiness lay with me. No one would be able to take care of her the way I could, for I dearlyloved her so much. I knew I wasn’t worthy of her love, but I didn’t believe anyone to be worthy of her. Especially not Crosby.

I also knew for a fact that I would spend every day of the rest of my life working hard to become worthy of her love in hopes that one day, I would come close enough. Crosby could do the same, but he would never reach as far as I would. He would never be able to love her like I would. Like I do.

There were a few neighbouring islands that I was confident would take me in. But would they be too close? Would the temptation of sailing over to catch a glimpse of Astrid be far too great to ignore? Would I be able to stay away?

The answer was obvious. No.

But then, if I moved further away, would I be able to stay away without seeing her and checking to see if she was safe and happy?

Again, the answer was obvious. No.

What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I have been honest with her from the beginning? Why did I allow my insecurities to get the better of me? To force me to squash my love for her all this time until it became overwhelming and all-consuming, and it felt like my heart would burst through the padlock I had haphazardly slapped on it.

If I had disclosed the true nature of my feelings years ago when I first realised that it wasn’t discontent and intolerance that I felt toward her, maybe we could have stood a chance. Maybe then I wouldn’t be feeling physically sick to my stomach right now while I awaited her answer.

My sickness was truly more than just a physical ailment.

It was a sickness of the heart.

And right now, it felt like my heart was dying.

I had been alone for most of my life, what with my mother passing when I was a child and my father when I was a young teenager. But I had never felt as lonely before as I did at thismoment. The prospect of Astrid denying my feelings, of her not wanting anything to do with me, would condemn me to a life of misery, loneliness and heartache. And I had no one to thank for that but myself.

My feet came to a stop on their own accord as I locked eyes with my rival, standing directly opposite on the other side of the square, staring me down.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

It was as if my feet had a mind of their own. They forced me to cross the square, covering half the distance as Crosby covered the other half until finally, we met in the middle.

I found some solace in the fact that Crosby looked just as worse for wear as I did. His hair was dishevelled, he had dark bags under his eyes, his shoulders were slumped forward as he walked, and overall, he looked like he had aged at least five years since the last time I saw him.

No words were exchanged as we stopped in front of each other. I towered over him by several inches, giving me the upper hand and the satisfaction. A small crowd had gathered around us, whispering and chattering among themselves as they watched us. It was easy to ignore them all and what they were saying when Crosby’s face started to turn red, and he looked like he was about to blow a fuse.

I didn’t know what he had to worry about. Not when it was me who truly loved Astrid and couldn’t bear the thought of living a lifetime without her. Crosby’s desire for her was unmatched by my need. Ineededto spend the rest of eternity by her side, not just as her husband and lover but also as her friend. I liked how we were now, bickering and teasing each other, always at eachother’s throats like a bickering old couple, and I wanted us to stay like that for the rest of our lives.

I didn’t need to ask Crosby to know that he didn’t feel the same way about Astrid as I did. There was simply no man in all the lands who could love her as much or intensely as I did.

Perhaps it was my weak, churning stomach or my all-consuming, conflicting thoughts that distracted me, but I didn’t see Crosby throw his fist at me, slamming his knuckles against the side of my face so hard I tasted metallic blood in my mouth.

Crosby had punched me.

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