Page 76 of Viktor at Sea

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

After such a long and tiring day, even with the love of my life nestled in my arms in deep slumber, I couldn’t sleep. How could I when I just agreed to set sail for three months and only had five days to break the news to the love of my life and wife of two days?

How could I board The Serpent and sail away, knowing that I wouldn’t see Astrid for several months if things went according to plan? Possibly longer if they didn’t.

How did Barden expect me to be okay with that?

How could he ask me of that?

It was easy. Barden wasn’t the one who had to sail away from his family for several months, so he didn’t know how hard it was. And he had been married to Josephine for nearly as long as I had been alive, so he didn’t remember what it felt like to be newlyweds either.

I had never had someone depend on me before. Never someone to come home to. But now I had all of that and so much more. And it was all fresh and new which made the idea of leaving so much harder to digest.

Before I married Astrid, I knew the first long mission would be incredibly hard. I hoped to build up to it with incrementalshorter missions and by waiting a while before a long mission, but Barden wasn’t giving me a choice.

Three months felt like an impossible amount of time to be away from Astrid. Even if Odin and Garth worked their magic while creating the map, I doubted they could bring that number down. If anything, I expected it to be higher than three months. I knew Barden well enough to know that he was purposely underestimating the length of the mission to sway my decision. Not that he had freely allowed me to make my decision in the first place.

The thought of leaving Astrid for longer than a day had my heart aching to the point where I pulled her closer and nuzzled my face into the crook of her neck. I wish I could mould our bodies together as one. There was no way Barden could peel me away from her then.

As fun as today had been, my mind kept wandering back to Astrid waiting for me at home. If I struggled to stay away from her for a day, I didn’t know how I was going to survive six long months without her.

My wife or my Captaincy.

How could Barden make me choose between the two?

How could I let him bait me?

I hated myself for picking the latter when the former meant so much more to me than the latter ever did.

But without my Captaincy, how could I afford to keep us both fed, clothed and happy? How could I provide for Astrid and our future family if I was a nobody who didn’t bring any money home?

Without my Captaincy, I was no one. It was sad, but ever since I was a young child and my father and his friends took me out on the sea for the first time for some light fishing, I knew I wanted to be a sailor. A few years later and several more trips out to sea, I was determined to become a Captain. After thepassing of both my parents–both from unfortunate illnesses–I didn’t have anything keeping me on the island where I was born. I sailed about from island to island, spending as much time on the sea as I could until finally, I made a name for myself.

While bouncing from island to island and working for several different Chiefs, I was able to communicate a small fortune for myself. It would provide a comfortable life for Astrid and me for several years, but not forever, and it would run out much sooner when we eventually had children.

Not for one moment did I think Astrid married me because she thought I could provide her with a lavish, comfortable life. She married me because I won her over with my words and showed her that I truly loved her, but what if I couldn’t bring food home for her or our future children? Would she still want me then?

Would she still want me if I was a nobody?

I knew the answer. Astrid didn’t care who I was or what I had to give her. Astrid wanted me for me, but deep down, I couldn’t help but worry if it would be enough for her. Would I still be enough for her if I didn’t have anything to offer? If I lost my Captaincy, I would have to restart from the beginning like I had done when I was a teenager, and that could take years to build a foundation as strong as the one I have today. Perhaps even longer if word spread that I turned down a mission when Barden really needed me. And even then, there was no guarantee that I would be able to do something like this to this level ever again.

I hated Barden for making me choose between my love for Astrid and my love for the sea.

One of them was my one true love, and the other was my first love.

Why couldn’t I just have both?

The idea of leaving Astrid behind for several months saddened me immensely. It made my heart ache in a way that sooner made me want to die than continue feeling this way.

With me gone, Astrid would have to sleep alone in our empty bed for several long months. She would wake up alone every morning and walk to her parent’s hut or the square just so she wouldn’t have to be alone. She would do everything alone, with the thought of me at sea always lingering at the back of her mind–wondering how I was doing, what I was doing and when I could return to her.IfI would ever return to her.

Every time a ship would dock at the shore, she would rush over to see if it was me and The Serpent and would leave disappointed time and time again.

How many nights would she spend crying herself to sleep? Holding herself? Left with only the memory of me until I returned after several long months?

And then, how long would she have me before I left for sea once again?

And me…I would be at sea thinking of her all the time. Being away from Astrid would harm my love for the sea, but Barden hadn’t thought of that when he threatened me. Instead, he forced me into the corner and all but put the words in my mouth.

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