Page 122 of A Touch of Gold and Madness

“Oh, Orion,” I said. Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around his torso. He returned the hug.

“It’s okay. Please don’t pity me, Gray. I accepted that fate many years ago as I watched them fall for each other as teens. All I’d ever wanted was for her happiness. And she was happy. Which brought me joy to see.”

“Your feelings never got in the way of you and Jonah? Did he know?”

Orion took a moment before answering. “If he did, he never let on. I did my best to keep my feelings to myself, just trying to be supportive of his ascension to the throne. I always did better in the background. They were both outgoing; I was more introverted. And I liked it that way. Our father raised us for our roles, but we’d always been close growing up. Did I secretly wish Lilly would see the light and admit her nonexistent feelings for me? Every single day and night. But I never resented them because they were happy and fulfilling their destiny.”

Tears filled my eyes for the silent suffering that Orion must’ve endured for so long. “Oh, gods. I can’t imagine what you went through when they were taken.”

Orion’s throat bobbed from a thick swallow. “It was excruciating,” he said, his voice hoarse with emotion. “I couldn’t…savethem. I godsdamned tried, though.”

My heart broke for him. “I know you did.”

“We were best friends, Lilly and I. She trusted and relied on me. And Ifailedher.” His voice cracked, shattering my heart with it. I squeezed him tighter to try to provide some form of comfort.

“No, you didn’t. You did what she probably would’ve wanted you to do. You took care of our people, protecting them. Because of you, Elementals didn’t face extinction at my father’s hands.”

Orion nodded, then shifted to grab some more photos from within his desk drawer. “Take these. Get to know her. She would be so proud of you.”

Guilt sank inside. I shook my head. “I don’t think so. I’ve killed too many Elementals, and I fell for Forest’s bullshit…”

“Stop that. She would be proud of you. Not for your deeds but for your compassionate heart despite what you’ve been conditioned to be. You have her empathy and fierce nature. You are most definitely more her daughter than Forest’s.”

Hot tears rolled down my cheeks at the unfairness of it all. How she’d been taken from me before I ever had the chance to get to know her. To love her. To be loved. But if I couldn’t make one parent proud, maybe I could make the other. One much more deserving.

I pulled away just enough to put some distance between us. “I don’t think I apologized for almost depleting you that day. I’m so sorry. If Chrome hadn’t…”

“Shh.” Orion shook his head, his light hair flopping from side to side. “It’s okay. It happens sometimes. And you’re still so new to the Elemental part of you. No one faults you. Depleting someone could happen to any of us, no matter how experienced we are.”

“I’d never have forgiven myself if I’d killed you. You’ve been nothing but kind and warm to me since I arrived. All of you have. And it’s the first time I’ve ever truly experienced it.” His sympathetic gaze had me looking away. I knew he wasn’t pitying me, but I hated how weak I appeared.

“I know. And if I could’ve saved Lilly, I could’ve saved you from such trauma. I live with that guilt. In a way, I felt like it was deserved.”

“What? Orion, you can’t seriously…”

“I do. Just know that I don’t hold that episode against you in any way. We’ve all had some close calls.”

I reflected on River’s comments in the library the other day, how she’d said the same thing. How she admitted she’d almost depleted her younger brother once. But still, the guilt ate at me, anyway.

I wiped my cheeks, sniffling. “Thank you. For these,” I said, waving the pictures. “And for being there.”

Long-carried sadness glistened in Orion’s eyes. I wished I could help ease him of his guilt in some way, but I knew that it would be a path that only he could travel to find his inner peace.

Darkness consumed the hallway when I finally left Orion’s office. My path was only illuminated by the coolness of my currents.

I still clutched the letter as I took my time returning to my room. The anxiety about reading my mother’s letter had eased since my talk with Orion. In its place came heartache that I would never meet her.

Orion assured me I shouldn’t feel guilty for his near-fatal incident in training, but I couldn’t help it. Orion had grown into a father figure in the brief time I’d been here. He was my only real link to my mother. The thought of killing someone who genuinely wanted to help me made my stomach feel full of acid.

Thinking over the events, of course, brought back the memory of Chrome stopping me from committing an act that I couldn’t return from. I recalled how he’d wielded my magic as if it were his own. The way he’d held me against him as if to protect me from myself made it feel like a baby bird took flight beneath my ribs. Which was why I’d been avoiding him the past week.

Well, I hadn’t completely avoided him. We still trained together, but I kept my distance enough to where his devolution symptoms wouldn’t return.

I couldn’t bring myself to let him in. It was as though the Great Wall of Slate stood between us.

While the gaping hole in my heart that Slate left behind was beginning to mend, I still couldn’t allow myself to move on yet. It had been almost two years now. I knew I should move on because he wasn’t coming back, but I was scared to let go.

On the other hand, being at the Hollow was doing wonders for my soul. It was the safety to heal while shedding my old skin and stepping into a newer and better version of myself. It would take time to undo a lifetime of trauma, but I felt better already.

---