Page 45 of Choose You

“You always were good with horses.” Rosie steps up beside mewith her own hot cocoa held close. “We’re all glad to have you back. You think you’ll stick around?”

My smile fades and I shrug. I thought I knew the answer to that, but now I’m not so sure. “There’s a lot to consider before I can make a decision like that. Between my business and the vineyard, I’ve got a lot to work out.”

“I imagine you do.” I can feel Rosie’s eyes on me, but I don’t lift my gaze to meet hers. Rosie can be a formidable woman, and I’m not ready to deal with what I know is on her mind. “I know Matt would be very happy to see you stay.”

And there it is. Rosie never was subtle with her thoughts on matters, especially when they involved her children. “Well, Matt and I have a lot more to work out than my work situation.”

I finish drying off Pippi and toss the towel to the side. Rosie hasn’t responded yet, but from the few glances I allow myself to make in her direction, she’s thinking hard about what to say next.

I start to untie Pippi’s bridle so I can lead her to her stall when Rosie’s hand rests on my arm, stopping me. “He never stopped loving you. You know that right?”

Tears immediately well up in my eyes, and I look away. I don’t want her to see how hard this is for me. I shake my head because I don’t know that. How could he love me and marry Emily?

“Jess.” Rosie’s arm reaches around me, and she turns me so I’m facing her. “I hated the decision he made, and I always thought he made the wrong one. But I understood why he thought he had to marry Emily. He’s struggled far more than anyone ever should to find his place in this world. It took him even longer to accept that he deserved the happiness he’s been given. I know it doesn’t fix anything, nor does it take away the pain living in your heart, but losing you is his biggest regret.”

I nod and wipe the tears away that escape down my cheek. Before I get a chance to respond, Matthew rides in even more drenched than I did. When Rosie turns to greet him, I take the opportunity to clean up my face while I take Pippi to her stall.

I can hear them talking but I can’t make out the words. I get Pippi locked up, give her one more pat on her neck and head backout. Rosie greets me with another smile while Matthew looks like he hasn’t slept in a thousand years.

Rosie leans in for a brief hug before she says, “Don’t forget your hot cocoa and come to the house to dry off before you catch cold. I’ll leave you two to finish this up.”

She turns to Matthew, pats his cheek, and smiles before opening her umbrella and heading back to the house. Matthew and I stare at each for a moment too long before I break away and start for the office. But he grabs my arm and stops me before I get past him.

“I didn’t think I had a choice, Jess. After my father abandoned me and my mother died from a drug overdose, I swore I’d never walk away from a child of mine.”

I place my hand on his chest and he visibly relaxes. I hate seeing him this afflicted over how our lives turned out. “I understand why you thought that’s what you had to do. But that doesn’t do anything to lessen my pain.”

His eyes dart around the barn like he’s struggling with where to look before he breathes in deeply. “Will you ever find a way to forgive me?”

“I don’t know.” I close my eyes and sigh. I recall what Adam told me after the funeral about love and forgiveness. My love for Matthew is strong. It’s so strong and runs so deep within me that I want to forgive him. I really do. But I’m terrified of opening myself up to more pain.

When I open my eyes, he’s watching me. He looks so haggard, like he’s in agony over what happened to us. “I’m trying, Matt. But it’s not easy for me. In the meantime, there is one thing we can do for each other.”

“Anything,” he sighs and drops his forehead to mine. “Just tell me what I can do, and I’ll do it.”

My mouth craves to kiss him again and with his lips mere inches from mine it makes me want him even more. I rotate my head sideways to avoid the inevitable. He fists my wet shirt in his hands and lets his head drop to my shoulder. In slow languid motions, he kisses his way to my neck. When his lips find my earlobe and he nibbles, I shudder. The way he’s kissing my neck and ear might beworse than if I let myself take his mouth again. I’m quickly losing all my strength and surrendering to this man.

Then he stops, and pulls back to look me in the eyes. He looks even more conflicted than a moment ago. “Sorry, I can’t resist you. You had something you wanted to say.”

I nod and swallow hard. I step out of his embrace and run my fingers through my hair. “I don’t want to fight anymore. Fighting with you is torture. It has to stop.”

A faint smile tugs at his lips. “I’m in complete agreement with that.”

“Good. Now finish up with your horse so we can head home. I need some time alone to think.”

I don’t wait for him to respond. I head straight for the office to grab my hot cocoa and head to the house like Rosie suggested. I’m freezing and dry clothes sound really good right now.

CHAPTER 16

MATTHEW

Iwoke up early to make Jessica her favorite breakfast—cornmeal pancakes with strawberries. As rough as our Sunday ride was, I feel like she and I reached a turning point. If I don’t keep the positive momentum moving forward, she’ll revert to avoiding me. I can’t let that happen.

“Can I mix it up?” Emmie looks up at me with bright eyes. She’s more than eager to help me make Jessica happy. My little girl has taken to Jessica more than she’s taken to anyone outside our family. It both pleases and terrifies me. If Jessica stays in Watercress Falls, then it’ll be fine, even if things don’t work out between us. I’ll never deny my daughter a relationship with someone I trust. Emmie looks up to her like a role model, and she couldn’t have picked a better one.

But if Jessica decides to go back to Seattle, my little girl will be crushed. She’ll put on a strong front—she always does—but it’ll be hard for her to accept.

I add the last of the dry ingredients to the bowl and sit it in front of Emmie. “Let me get the buttermilk, then you can stir.”

---