Page 41 of Choose You

She furrowed her brows and frowned. “What do you mean, take a break?”

“I mean exactly that. Take a break.” I pushed back on my heels, breaking all physical contact. “We both leave for college tomorrow, in separate states, and I think we should take a break. Allow each other to have fun in college.”

She pulled her arms under her and lifted up on her elbows. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“No. Maybe. Not really.” I dropped my head in my hands and groaned. I knew this would be hard, but I couldn’t even say what I needed to say, and I planned it out word for word.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Either you are or you aren’t.” Her voice rose higher and higher with each word she spoke. The desire and love I just saw in her eyes were gone and replaced with anger and confusion.

“Jess, calm down. This will be—”

“Calm down,” she yells. “How am I supposed to calm down when it sounds like you're breaking up withme?”

“I just don’t want you to look back and feel like you wasted all this time waiting for me when you could be having fun and enjoying college.”

“Our relationship has nothing to do with whether or not I have fun at college. The two are not related.”

“Come on, Jess. How could you possibly enjoy college the way you’re supposed to if you’re still tied to me?”

“Tied to you? Is that how you see us? As an obligation or something weighing each other down. I thought you loved me.”

“I do love you. That’s why I think we should break up while we’re in college. So you can really experience college and make sure you want this with me.”

“Oh, so you’re doing me a favor. Well, fuck you.” She slammed her fists into my chest, tears running down her cheeks. “Go off to college and fuck all the women you want. Just don’t expect me to be here when you change your mind.”

“Jess.” I reached for her arm, but she moved out of my grasp. “I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing it for you. You deserve better than me.”

“What I deserve is for you to let me make my own decisions, and to trust that I know my heart.” She spun around and rushed toward her horse. I run after her calling her name, but she doesn’t stop. This didn’t go anything like I’d imagined. I really thought she’d understand my point of view.

“Please don’t leave like this. This isn’t what I wanted.”

“Well, tough shit. This is what you’re gonna get. I never thought you’d do something like this.” She climbed up on her horse and glanced back at me, her face wet with tears. “I hate you for doing this.”

Looking backon that day now, I see how stupid my logic was. I was a scared boy who still didn’t know his place in this world. So, I hurt the one person who loved me the most.

Jessica.

I brought her back to this place without considering the lasting impact that day had on her. I cringe at my poor judgment, and when I look back at her, she’s glaring at me like I’m the biggest fool she’s ever met.

She might be right.

“Jess, I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it like that. I justwanted to do something nice for you. If you’ll just give me a chance, I’ll prove to you that I deserve you. Please.”

She shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest. “You don't get it, Matt. When you broke up with me, I didn't just lose the love of my life. I lost my best friend. I've had to live with that loss forfourteen years.You don’t have to prove anything to me. I'm not yours anymore.”

I straighten my back and shorten the distance between us. “That's where you're wrong. You can fight me all you want, but I’m not giving up on us. You’ve always been mine, and I’ve always been yours. I just fucked things up a bit.”

She holds her eyes on mine, a fire burning deep within. She’s angry at me, but there’s more to the look in her eyes. There’s lust bouncing around with those flames. I take advantage of her desire for me and step into her space. She doesn’t push me away.

“I was so stupid back then. I didn’t even know who I really was and that terrified me. I was nothing more than an abandoned orphan who thought I didn’t belong in your world. I was wrong. I know who I am now, and I know what I want. All I need is for you to give me a chance to fix it.”

I reach for her hand, fully expecting her to pull away or push me back again. But she doesn't. Instead, she laces her fingers with mine. My breathing increases as I slip my other arm around her waist and tug her close until our bodies are flush.

“Matt, this is so hard for me,” she whispers.

“I know, baby. I’m sorry I made it that way.” I stare at her lips, desperate to kiss her, but I hesitate. There’s nothing I want more right now than to taste her, but if I move too fast, she might run away from me again. Now that I have her in my arms, I never want to let her go.

While I’m debating with myself on whether to kiss her, she makes my internal conflict pointless. She wraps her arm around my neck and threads her fingers in my hair. Every inch of my body erupts into flames and despite the fact that our bodies are pressed together, she’s not close enough.

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