Page 39 of Choose You

“Thanks.” My voice trembles and I struggle to steady my arm. Idon’t want him to see the effect he has on me, even though I’m pretty sure he already knows.

I glance out over the small lake situated on a narrow plateau between two mountain peaks. I’m bombarded with memories—most good, one bad. This is where Matthew brought me to break up with me. I didn’t think about that during the ride up, but seeing the lake brings it all back to the surface. Not wanting to ruin this day, I focus on my surroundings instead.

The forest looks denser than what I remember, but I can still see the narrow hiking trail that leads to the waterfall that feeds the lake. The waterfall is actually bigger than the lake. The depression in the landscape isn’t that large and the water drains into another smaller waterfall that feeds the creek that divides our two properties.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Matthew’s question draws my attention to him. His bright green eyes are darker than usual and filled with concern.

“Just looking around. Not much has changed since I was last here.”

“No, I don’t suppose it has.” He looks out toward the waterfall, and I can’t help but wonder if he’s recalling the times we’d spent together behind that wall of water. There’s a small cave and a shallow pool of water behind it. The water is cold, but that never stopped us from taking advantage of the privacy it provided.

“I’m sorry, Jess. For everything.” He looks down at his hands and hesitates before he reaches over and takes mine. “I know it doesn’t fix anything, and it’s not nearly what I owe you. But I am sorry for how I handled everything and the impact it had on you.”

My eyes are glued on his, but he keeps his trained on our joined hands. My heart beats faster than a stampede of racehorses—so fast in fact, he can probably feel it beating through my hand.

“Matt, I know you’re sorry.” My voice cracks, giving away every bit of my nervousness and fear. I pause to take a breath before I continue. “But saying so doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t take away the years of pain rooted in my heart.”

He squeezes my hand and pulls it close to his lap. His eyes meet mine for a moment before he gazes out over the water, but I keep my eyes on him. I really should pull away. Instead, I find myself leaninginto him. Our shoulders lightly brush, and his chest quickly rises and falls. Every ounce of me wants to lean all the way in and rest my head on his chest—sink into him. But I need to remain strong. There is still way too much hurt between us to give into our physical desire for each other.

Before I can even consider forgiveness, I need to know why he did what he did. He always struggled with self-worth when we were younger. Who wouldn’t after being shifted from foster home to foster home before he finally found a family who welcomed him unconditionally? His father’s abandonment and his mother’s death impacted him deeply. Rejection from multiple foster families before the Langdons only fed those insecurities more.

But none of that mattered to me. It still doesn’t. I love him for his heart and soul—the kind, tender, and passionate way in which he loved me back. I thought he understood, even back when we were kids, but then he pushed me away at a time when I thought our life together was just beginning.

When he looks up at me, I see nothing but pain and sorrow in his eyes. My heart betrays me, and it breaks even more—for him. “I wish I could take it all back, Jess. I was young and stupid. I had no idea how to deal with all the shit in my life. I didn't think I was good enough for you. Hell, I still don't. But pushing you away was the biggest mistake of my life.”

He releases my hand and lifts his to my cheek. He gently brushes his fingertips along my jawline and I visibly tremble. He leans closer, further luring me into him. The logical part of my brain is sending warning signals throughout my body telling me to run, but my heart is fighting back with a vengeance and keeps me rooted in this spot next to him. No matter how much pain he’s caused me, my body, heart, and soul remembers how much love we shared—how much I still love him.

“Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm holding on to something, I can never have because I destroyed it beyond repair. If that’s the case, then I’ll just have to live with that. But all I want is one more chance to prove to you that I deserve you. If you'll give me that, I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for the mistakes of my past.”

I suck in a breath. I’ve spent most of my adult life waiting to hearhim say something along those lines to me, and now that he’s said it I don’t know how to react. I thought those words would bring me so much joy. I imagined running into his arms and losing myself to his kisses. But so much time has passed and the hurt between us has magnified to levels that restrain me in shackles—like an inescapable jail cell.

Regardless, I don’t pull away. I let myself go to his pull on me. Because I want him. Despite all the heartache and pain, I want him so badly.

He inches closer to me, and his eyes shift from mine to my lips. Even as his hand slips around my neck, tugging me closer, my mind is screaming at me to stop. But I ignore it. I’m completely lost to him in this moment.

Then the sky rumbles and raindrops fall down on us. It’s not enough to get us wet, but just enough to bring me back to my senses.

I pull away and shake my head. “I don’t know if I can do this,” I whisper.

I push to my feet and head toward the hiking trail that leads to the waterfall. I’m desperate to put space between us. When he’s close to me like this, I have no self-control. And I’ll give him anything he asks of me.

CHAPTER 14

MATTHEW

Like the idiot that I am, I watch Jessica walk away. Again.

We keep having these moments where I think I’m breaking past all the hurt and pain I’ve caused her. Those moments give me so much hope. I start to think there’s a chance for us. Then she secures the walls she’s built around her heart to protect her from more pain—pain that I’m responsible for—and runs away.

But I can’t give up on her—on us.

Once I regain some control over my emotions, I’ll chase after her again, too.

Hell, I’ll chase after her for however long it takes to prove to her I’ll never hurt her like that again.

Because no matter how much she pushes back, I have to try and win her back. I made the mistake of letting her go years ago and not fighting for her. If it takes the rest of my life to prove to her just how sorry I am, I’ll do it. She’s worth it and more.

Pushing up to my feet, I run after her. “Jessica, please.” She shakes her head and swats her hand behind her like she’s waving me off. “Please, stop running from me.”

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