Page 73 of Mistaken Intention

I can’t move, or think, or speak. “I…I…”

“Don’t tell me it’s not that simple. This is about as simple as it gets.”

“I wasn’t going to say that.” Although I’d love to be able to explain how utterly complicated it is in reality.

“Okay. What were you going to say then?”

I don’t know. How can I tell him the truth? How can I explain that this is all a lie, that I’ve loved him for longer than he thinks he’s known me? I can’t tell him anything about the past at all. But I guess I have to tell him something, even though I’d hoped it wouldn’t be like this.

“You talk about all of this, like… like it’s the easiest thing in the world.”

“Yeah,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. “Because it is.”

“Not for me.”

“Why not?” he asks.

“Because I don’t know how.”

“You don’t know how to what?”

“How to do what you’ve just said.”

The air around us stills, although it’s charged with tension… sexual tension, sparking off of his eyes, straight into mine. “Youdon’t know how to do what I’ve just said?” He sounds confused. He looks it, too.

“No.”

I see the moment the penny drops, his face clearing, his eyes lightening. “Are you telling me you’ve never had sex?” I lower my head, unable to answer him, but he places his finger beneath my chin, applying a little upward pressure, until I’m forced to look at him, our eyes locked. “Josie? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Not exactly.”

“Then what are you saying?” he says, frowning again.

I pause, looking up into his eyes, hoping I don’t regret telling him this. “I’ve never done anything.”

“Never done…?”

“Anything.”

His frown deepens. “You’ve been kissed, though. Right?”

“Yes,” I say and he sighs, like he’s relieved. “By you… just now.”

“You mean that was your first kiss?”

“It was the first one that meant anything. The first proper kiss.”

“And you’ve never…?”

“I’ve never been touched, never touched a man, never been naked in front of a man.”

He nods his head and puts his hands on my waist, pulling me close to him. “Why does that mean you can’t now? With me?”

“For the very reason I just said. I don’t know how.”

***

Drew

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