Page 53 of Mistaken Intention

We walk on for a moment or two, while I try to fathom why I can remember the makes of cars, but have no idea who I am. Or how I seemed to know I like coffee, but couldn’t remember whether I ate meat. Why are the holes in my memory so random? Why don’t I know basic things, like whether I enjoyed driving… or whether I was even capable of driving, come to that?

Suddenly, a horrible thought crosses my mind, panic rising in an instant, and I stop, grabbing Josie’s arm and pulling her back. “Was I driving when I had the accident?”

“I can’t tell you,” she says.

I pull her closer, her body almost touching mine. “I don’t care about any of that. Please, Josie… I have to know, even if you can’t give me details. Tell me I’m not responsible for what happened. If I hurt someone else… or… or somebody died because of what I did, you have to tell me. I need to know if I’m to blame.”

She places her hand on my chest and I suck in a breath, fighting the distraction of her touch. “You’re not.”

The relief is almost too much for me and I keep a hold of her for a moment longer. There’s nothing sexual about this. I need her support. I need her to ground me… to be my rock. Again.

“Thank you.” Her brow furrows, like she doesn’t understand my gratitude. “I’m not gonna ask you for details you’re not allowed to give, but thank you for putting my mind at rest. That was a scary moment.”

She smiles. “It’s okay.”

It is when I’m with you.

I let go of her and she steps away, both of us turning and continuing our walk.

“Why did my brother contact you this morning to let you know he was going into the city?” I ask. It seems like an odd thing to do.

“He wanted to know if there was anything either of us needed him to bring back. I couldn’t think of anything, and didn’t want to wake you, so I just said ‘no’. I hope that was all right.”

“I don’t have a clue what I own, so I wouldn’t have known what to ask for, anyway.”

“That was what I figured.”

The two cars have disappeared from view now, and Josie and I wander on, occasionally catching a glimpse of the harbor between the trees.

“Is this really who I am?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do I really come from a world of Ferraris and family estates with harbor views and swimming pools? Is this me?” She doesn’t answer, because she can’t, and I let out a sigh. “I’m sick of these one-sided conversations. Tell me about you instead.”

“No,” she says sharply – a little too sharply – and I stop again, turning to face her.

“Why not? I don’t have anything to say. You’re not allowed to answer my questions, and my brain is a void for the best part, so unless we’re gonna spend our time in silence, just admiring the scenery, I suggest you talk.” She giggles, which is a relief, although she soon falls quiet and stares up at me. “Don’t stop laughing, Josie. The sound is…”

“It’s what?”

“It’s how I imagine heaven would be.” She gasps and I’m so tempted to kiss her, to find my true heaven here on earth. But I don’t want to scare her off, so instead, I take her hand in mine. “Please, Josie… talk to me.”You fascinate me and I want to know more.

She keeps her eyes fixed on mine as we take baby steps together. “What do you want to know?”

Anything. Everything.“Where are you from?”

“Boston… although I lived in New York for a while.”

“What made you decide to become a nurse?”

“I spent some time in the hospital as a teenager. It inspired me.”

Her answers are short, factual, lacking in detail. I’m guessing she’s a private person, and I can’t force her to talk. But there’s something I need to know… desperately. “I remember you said you don’t have any family, which I’m gonna guess means you’re not married?” She nods her head and I copy her, slowing us to a stop yet again and looking down at her. “Do you have a boyfriend?” I wait, but she doesn’t answer and I’m in an agony of expectation. “Josie?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend, no.”

“Good.”

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