Page 20 of Mistaken Intention

I’ve hardly slept since then, and I don’t care, because my mind is racing with thoughts that maybe – just maybe – after all this time, I might be able to do something about Josie. It won’t be straightforward. In fact, I fully expect it to be the complete opposite, and a lot of what happens will depend on Lexi and whether I’ve mis-read things with her. But if I’m right, if she really has got someone new in her life, then there’s a chance we all can move on. Lexi can be with someone who appreciates her like I never could, and I can be with Josie.

Assuming, of course, she wants to be with me…

A cloud descends, wiping out my smile and darkening my mood.

What if she doesn’t?

I thought she wanted to be with me when we were at the party, at least until she found out who I was. Then, when we met at the coffee shop, our misunderstandings a thing of the past, I got the impression she wasn’t averse to our friendship, and perhaps to it becoming more than that. She certainly seemed keen to meet up again. The thing is, a lot of time has passed since then. She could be with someone else…

I close my eyes, somehow blocking out all the surrounding noise, and I try to picture her. It’s easy; she’s filled my everythought since the moment I first laid eyes on her. I imagine her in the arms of another man, his lips on hers, his hands wandering. It hurts, but I have to contemplate the fact that this could be her reality. I might have hopes for a future with her, but she could already have a future with someone else. Unless… unless she’s waiting for me. No, that’s silly. Why would she? I left her with no hope of any kind of future for us. In fact, I didn’t even contact her again after Lexi announced her pregnancy. It felt dishonest. And besides, I didn’t know what to say. It was bad enough when she realized I was Lexi’s boyfriend. To discover I was the father of her unborn child…

I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t face her.

So, I took the coward’s way out.

If she’s free, is it possible she’ll still want something more than friendship, given how complicated things are? Will she even want to speak to me? Will she be able to forgive me?

I have so many questions, and not the slightest chance of any answers for at least the next eleven hours… until I touch down in the States and I can talk to Lexi. Obviously, I can’t ask her outright about her sister’s love life, but I can see how things lie with Lexi. It’ll be a start.

In the meantime, those eleven hours are stretching before me like a death sentence, and I’m not sure I can handle it. If I’m flying back home just to find Josie’s already with another man, I’m not sure what I’ll do…

Josie’s number is still on my phone. Rather than putting myself through hours of torture, I could just call her, couldn’t I?

No, I couldn’t.

Of course I couldn’t.

What would I say? The last time I saw her was in the delivery room, when Maisie was born. It was one of the best, and one of the worst days of my life, watching my daughter come into this world, while the woman I loved was standing justa few feet away, so far out of reach, she might as well have been on the other side of the world.

The problem is, I honestly don’t think I can survive the next eleven hours, not knowing what I’m going home to… whether I have a chance or not.

I pull out my phone, and even though I have no idea what I’m going to say, I go to her details on my contact list, my finger poised over the ‘call’ icon, as I take a deep breath.

“No.” I say the word out loud, stopping myself just in time, and ignoring the bemused stares of my fellow passengers as I shake my head, staring at my phone. How could I be so stupid? It’s three in the morning in Boston. Phoning her is out of the question.

Maybe I could text her instead…

Except text messages can often do more harm than good. They’re easily misunderstood. And besides, I want her to hear my voice, so she’ll understand how I feel.

Of course…

A voice message.

I glance around the room, spying a quiet corner, as far away as possible from the crying baby, and I pick up my bag, making my way over there. Turning my back on the room, I find Josie’s details again, and this time, click on the message app, and then I take a breath, preparing myself, putting an image of Josie in my mind as I press and hold the voice recording icon.

“Hi, Josie. It’s me, Drew. It’s been a long time, and I know I should’ve been in touch before now, but… the… the thing is, I—I wanted to ask if we could meet up? I’m at the airport. I’m flying back from Rome today, and going down to Newport with Maisie and… and her mom, but I wondered… can I call you? We need to talk, or I think we do. Obviously, if I mis-read everything, you’ll be wondering what on earth I’m talking about, in which case I apologize for disturbing you, and it’s probably best if youstop listening now…” I pause for a second and then continue, “If you’re still listening, I guess I didn’t mis-read things, so the next question is, do you want to see me again? If you’ve moved on, or you’re with someone else now, or you just don’t want to have anything more to do with me, after everything that’s happened, that’s fine… well, it isn’t, but I’ll understand. This is complicated, and it’s a lot harder for you than it is for me. I get that, and I’m sorry. Truly, I am. I should have said that a long time ago, but I’m really sorry, Josie.” I cough, fighting my emotions. “The timing was dreadful, and if it’s all too much for you, then just ignore me. I’ll get the message and I won’t hassle you.” I pause for a second. “But if you think you’d like to meet up, call me. I’ll fit in with whatever you need… whatever you want. I just wanna see you again, Josie.” I’ve rambled on for long enough, and probably said more than I intended. Should I add anything else, though? I can’t say, ‘I love you,’ over a voice message, so instead I just say, “Call me… please,” and release my thumb from the recording icon. The message is longer than I’d expected, but I press ‘send’ anyway, my heart flipping over in my chest.

I know she’s as likely to say ‘no’, as she is to say ‘yes’, for all kinds of reasons, but at least I’ve set the wheels in motion and I guess I’ll know soon enough what my future holds.

“How can she have grown so much in just ten days?”

I keep looking around at Maisie, in the back of Lexi’s car, marveling at the changes in her.

“Because she’s a greedy little miss. She does nothing but eat.”

“Her hair seems more curly, too.”

“Does it? I can’t say I’ve noticed.”

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