Page 42 of Loving You Always

Kerris laid out her history with Walsh and Cam, piece by piece, detail by detail. She searched Dr. Stein’s face for condemnation, for censure, but saw only professional impassivity, and the occasional gleam of sympathy.

“Kerris, what holds your heart back from Walsh?”

Nothing. Absolutely nothing held her heart back from Walsh. What she felt for him was tidal. It had crashed past her sense of right, had swept over her vows. He had capsized her heart.

“Um…I’m not sure I understand the question.”

“Do you love Walsh Bennett?”

Kerris closed her eyes. She couldn’t say that aloud, not today, especially with the divorce papers just now beginning their three-month journey through the legal system.

“Well, I…I care deeply about him,” Kerris edited, hoping Dr. Stein would, just this once, leave this one stone unturned.

No such hope.

“Kerris, this works only if you’re honest with me and with yourself. You know that.”

Dr. Stein laid her glasses aside, her eyes sharper without the lenses.

“You’ve already admitted you married Cam knowing you had feelings for his best friend. And you’ve done what adults do when they realize they’ve made mistakes. You’ve owned that. Healthy people can own their mistakes and, over time, move on. You’ve taken huge steps toward that, and I applaud you. Can you own this emotion? Do you love Walsh?”

Kerris looked down at the brightly patterned sundress she wore, tracing the paisley swirls with her finger, wishing she could disappear into the design, be consumed by the color and pattern.

“Kerris, I asked you a question.”

Kerris shook her head, setting the silver bells in her earrings jingling.

“No, you don’t love him, or no, you won’t answer?” Dr. Stein leaned forward, those unrelenting eyes never leaving Kerris’s face.

“I…I don’t want to talk about this. Not today,” Kerris said. “To say it while I’m still married to Cam, it just feels wrong.”

“Kerris, don’t judge your feelings. Don’t avoid them. Own them. If you feel something, you have to voice it. Have you made any progress on the other thing we discussed last week?”

Kerris froze, unsure which poison she’d choose. Talking about Cam and Walsh or talking about…

“Amalie,” Dr. Stein reminded her unnecessarily. “You were going to finally visit her grave.”

Not a morning went by without Kerris thinking about her little girl, and some days the pain was as fresh as it had been when she woke up with an empty womb. Other days it was a dull ache, distracting, but not consuming. She’d think she was getting better, putting that behind her, only to burst into tears at the sight of a mother and child in the park, or at the grocery store.

“Have you given any more thought to that?” Dr. Stein asked.

“Um, I have.”

“You have visited, or you have given more thought to it?”

“I thought about it some more, and I will do it soon.” Kerris stood, glancing at her watch. “Looks like we’re done.”

“I say when we’re done,” Dr. Stein corrected, her voice like a hammer wrapped in fluffy cotton. “We have three minutes left. I’d like to spend these last three minutes talking about Amalie.”

“I can’t.” Kerris gulped, blinking back the tears thoughts of her baby girl often brought to her eyes. “I’m not ready.”

“You’ve made so much progress over the last year.” Dr. Stein wrote something in the margins of her notes before standing to face Kerris. “Please don’t think I’m not proud of you. I am, but there’s a next level. And to get there, you’re going to have to deal with both of these issues. Amalie, and your relationship with Walsh. If you don’t want to end up hurting him the way you hurt Cam, you need to be honest and figure out what you really want from him and for both of you.”

Dr. Stein voiced Kerris’s fear. That she would hurt Walsh. That as much as she cared for him, as much as he meant to her, as deeply as she felt connected to him, that her damaged self would hurt him. She couldn’t live with that. And yet, the thought of him made her throb. Not just him physically, but his gentleness, his intuition, his sensitivity, his intensity, his strength. Could she really do the hard work it would take for all of that to be hers? Did she even deserve it?

***

A week later, Kerris was no closer to peace. She’d been wrestling with the issues Dr. Stein unearthed. The past was a labyrinth she couldn’t find a way out of. With every turn she took, she hoped it would lead to an exit to a new life, a new chapter, but each turn just looped her back into old memories, old patterns, old hurts. Sometimes, alone outside, Kerris could work things out that made no sense when she was indoors, so she set out for her garden.

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