Page 85 of Bonding with the Beta

“Kayleigh–” He reaches for me, but I pull away from his grip at the last second.

I release a groan of frustration and stare out the window, calming my pulsing lungs before I set myself off. Kayden’s body warmth radiates from behind me, but he doesn’t touch me.

“You want to know why I’m scared of commitment and giving myself to someone again?” I say harshly, my puffy eyes wandering to Kayden’s as he watches me with soft eyes.

He doesn’t say or do anything, but his expression says everything.

He’s willing to listen.

“I had a boyfriend,” I sniffle and wrap my arms tightly around me. “We started going out a year and a half ago. At first, everything was amazing, we loved…”

I pause to think, and I shake my head.

“Iloved him. I’m not sure how he really felt,” I admit, and Kayden steps closer to me. “I fell head over heels for him. At the start, he was good, what we had was great. But then he started missing dates, leaving me waiting for hours on end, making excuses. I didn’t realise he was getting bored of me until I found out he had been texting other girls while we were together. When I questioned him about it, he called me a psycho.”

My shaky hand rises to wipe the tears that are freefalling.

“He told me he wasn’t doing anything wrong, and it was friendly, and I let myself believe I was being insecure and crazy. He made me feel bad about it,” I sigh, an ache growing in my chest at the memory.

Kayden’s fingers twist like he wants to comfort me, but he waits.

“Then I literally caught him in bed with some girl in his room. I was a mess.” My voice wobbles. “He told me it wouldn’t happen again, and I stupidly forgave him because I was so weak that I couldn’t imagine my life without him.”

I laugh out loud at my ludicrous decisions. How could I be so idiotic?

“But, of course, he didn’t stop, and I didn’t know. He continued doing it behind my back, and I guess I tried to find the good in him, but it makes me so angry because why did I continue to let him treat me like shit? What was I trying to hold onto?” I press my hand to the ache growing in the middle of my forehead. “The next month, he broke things off with me in front of his friends. I’ve never felt so embarrassed. At that moment, I didn’t want to be here anymore. The pain was too much. He publicly humiliated me.”

I pause for a breath, and Kayden takes my fingers this time, squeezing them. “I knew what we had was good until he started cheating, and I wanted that back. Fuck, I hate myself for not realising my worth and throwing him out with the trash sooner.”

My throat closes up when I think about what happened next.

I close my eyes, and Kayden kisses my knuckles so tenderly that tears sprout.

“By that point, I was a wreck. I had no idea what I was doing with my life. He had completely broken and destroyed me. I lost my friends. I lost sense of myself. I pushed everyone away because they told me how silly I was for forgiving Josh and letting him back into my life,” I choke. “I was so blinded by him. It makes me feel sick how toxic the whole relationship was. I didn’t realise how badly I was manipulated and gaslighted by him.”

“I was in a really, really dark place,” I whimper with trembling lips.

Kayden’s thumb flicks over the back of my hand supportively, and I tell myself not to break down at his gentle touch.

“I was in my dorm room, and I wasn’t in a good way. I was hyperventilating. I didn’t see the point in anything. All I could hear were these loud voices telling me I was nothing, I deserve nothing, and I shouldn’t be here.”

The look on Kayden’s face makes my knees quiver.

“So I went to my bathroom,” I hiccup. Kayden’s eyes are full of guilt, his lips pulled down into a frown. “Then I started taking all different sorts of tablets—anything I could find. I don’t even know why I did it. I guess it was a moment of desperation.”

Tears leak from my eyes, one after the other, until my entire face is soaked. “I tried to kill myself.” I shake aggressively. “I was in such a bad place that I actually tried to kill myself. What the fuck was I thinking?”

I grit my teeth, press a hand to my forehead, and cry until I’m silent.

“Kayleigh,” Kayden murmurs quietly.

Then his arm is around my neck, and he tugs me into his chest. I burst into a fit of endless sobs, unable to catch my breath. His arms tighten around me when he hears my distress, one hand cradling the back of my head and the other securely around my back.

“It’s okay,” he mumbles into my hair as he sways us ever so slightly. “Breathe for me, Kayleigh.”

I fist my hand into his T-shirt and hold on for dear life. I forgot what it felt like to have someone this close. I couldn’t tell you the last time I felt safe and protected—especially in someone's arms. So, I allow myself to bask in the sensationsand enjoy the light, warm feeling that glows in my body despite telling the story I hate the most.

“I-I then realised what I had done,” I croak as I pull away. He brushes strands of hair from my face and places his palm against my cheek. “I called myself an ambulance, telling them I tried to overdose.”

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