Page 47 of Advice from a Sunflower

“Are we really doing this again?” Marnie complains as she ushers the girls up the stairs.

“I think we ought to,” Denise says indignantly. “Tim owns a medical marijuana business, did you hear? We’re living comfortably now, no thanks to you.”

“What are you talking about? I’ve been sending Marnie money every week since I left.”

“Bullshit. Marnie would have told me. There’s no way in hell you’d share some of your precious royalties with the people who made you who you are today. That might take away from your pretty mansion and expensive hairdos.”

My mind is spinning with the amount of inaccuracies she’s spewing. “You mean my one- bedroom apartment and the haircut I spring for once a year? I have no idea where any of this is coming from. I’ve been transferring almost any spare cent I’ve had into Marnie’s account since she was pregnant with Gabby. Whatever grudge you’ve been holding against me all these years obviously stems from Marnie’s lies.”

All eyes lock onto the person in question. She looks like she wants to shrink into a ball and disappear. I almost feel guilty for throwing her into the spotlight the way I have.Almost.

Is it possible that my relationship with my mother could have been mended years ago if it weren’t for Marnie’s lying?

“Yeah, she sent money a few times here and there, but nothing significant. It was only enough to cover whatever the girls needed at the time.”

I’m mumbling, “That’s a complete lie,” at the same time Denise is yelling, “You mean to tell me you’ve been taking money from her for this long and hiding it from me?”

Marnie stands to leave, throwing her hands above her head the way she always did when she felt overwhelmed as a child as she makes her way into the foyer. “Everyone needs to stop trying to blame me for their problems. I didn’t do anything wrong here. If I told you about the money, I would have had to tell Josh and he would have spent it on something stupid. I was just trying to take care of my family. You would have done the same thing in my position.”

She disappears out the front door, slamming it as hard as she can behind her. I can see her walking across the lawn toward Eli’s house out the front window and immediately forgive her. She’s right. Her actions may have been wrong, but she was doing them for the right reason.

“Everybody take a deep breath and calm down. There’s no need to argue and attack each other. It’s all in the past,” Tim tries calmly.

I half expect Denise to smack him down with some insulting remark, but she surprises me by closing her eyes and taking a slow inhale.

“I didn’t know she wasn’t telling you,” I explain after a moment of calming silence.

Tim offers a reassuring nod. “Of course not, Kid.”

“Why were you sending it to her account, then? She wasn’t the one paying the bills.”

“Because you refused to talk to me when I left. You didn’t answer or return any of my calls. I figured you just didn’t want anything to do with me.”

Her face softens as a guilty frown tugs down at her aging features. I always thought Denise aged so well when we were younger. I was jealous of her smooth skin and supple lips. Either I didn’t notice the change as it was happening, or the past seven years haven’t been kind to her either, but time has brushed its ugly fingers against her skin, leaving behind worry lines and crow’s feet.

“It sounds like you two have a lot of misunderstandings to clear up,” Tim points out, standing from his chair. I haven’t noticed how tall he is, but he looks like a giant now. “I’ll get some coffee on and see if I can’t get Marnie to come back. Remember what Hannah told you to do when you get overwhelmed, Dee Dee. You’ve been working toward this for a long time now.”

I’m not sure who Hannah is or what he’s referring to, but his words seem to calm her even further. Once he’s out of the room, Denise lets out an incredulous laugh, shaking her head into her lap. “He’s too good at that. Calms me down every time I’m about to get all up in arms about something small.”

“That’s a good thing.” I wish she had met him years prior. It might have made growing up around her a little more bearable.

“I wanted to talk to you when you left; I just didn’t know what to say. I was so rotten that morning. It felt like an impossible thing to come back from. It was so hard to see you go. You were about to have everything I’d ever wanted, and you made it happen without anyone’s help. All I could think about was my own jealousy.”

It feels like if I speak, I’ll interrupt whatever process she’s going through that’s finally allowing her to get her true feelings out. In all my life, Denise has never been able to admit her jealous feelings for Marnie and me. She always just expressed them in other, more hurtful ways. So, I stay quiet for a little while longer while she gathers the strength to do what I know is next to impossible for her: admit she was wrong.

“I always thought that you and Marnie ruined my life and I treated you like it was your choice to come into this world. I knew I was setting you up for a lifetime of serious issues, but I always figured my mom did the same to me, and I turned out fine.” She let out a humorless chuckle, rolling her eyes.

“The truth I didn’t want to face was that it was all on me. Even if I didn’t have you two, I still would have washed up back in The Hollow at my parent’s doorstep. At least the way it happened, I have a family to be proud of and I got to cross paths with the most patient, understanding man I could’ve ever dreamed of. There was a lot of bumps along the way, but I’m proud of the path I’ve taken. I’ve been seeing a counselor and she’s been helping me work through all this.”

“I’m happy to hear that.” I wipe away at the stubborn tears clouding my vision.

“It’s like as soon as I saw you, I forgot about all the work I’ve been doing on myself…” She pauses again, staring down at her hands in shame. “All your books are on display in my house. Tim built me a nice bookshelf in our room with special lighting on each shelf. You know, like a spotlight on every single one. I wish it didn’t take me so long to admit that I’m proud of you to your face. Everything seems to have gotten in the way of us having a relationship but when I think back on it, you’ve never really given me a reason to treat you the way that I did. I know it’ll take some time, but I hope you can eventually forgive me for being such a rotten mother to you.”

I wave my hand in the air between us, brushing off her self-deprivation. “You’re already forgiven. Seeing a counselor is an amazing step, Denise. It must be really hard to have your flaws put under a magnifying glass. If you’re willing to go through all that to be a better person in the future, there’s no reason we should dwell on the past.”

A smile spreads across her lips and I realize it’s the first time I’ve seen her don a real one in years. “You’ve always been too good for us, Mouse.”

I’m taken aback by that statement. It’s such a stark contrast from what she’s been telling me all my life. Tim and Marnie walk through the door before I have a chance to come up with a reply and Denise wastes no time telling Tim about our talk. He’s perched himself on the arm of her chair, looking down at her with nothing but pride and admiration. Marnie and I lock eyes then, the promise of another difficult conversation in the future nagging away at us. With a nod, we each silently agree to put it off for now and live in the moment with our family.

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