Page 140 of With Wine Comes War

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ALEX

The hospital allowed me to set up my office in this room so I could do zoom meetings and have Shay and Darius come in so I could get them ready to be the front runners for the project soon. I had seen everyone except Roman. I knew that I’d be leaving soon to go to Bali and spend forty-five days letting go of anger and resentment and tryingto find myself again. I know I’m in here somewhere. I figured I would ask to see Roman sometime before I left. I can’t imagine that he’d want to see me after everything that happened, but I wanted to at least say goodbye and thank him for being there to support me even though I knew he hated every second of it.

I’ve hurt a lot of people, and I needed to say I’m sorry. I lost so much of the trust I had from my friends and family. I don’t know how I’m going to get that back, but I hoped I'd figure it out at this retreat. My friends didn’t want me anywhere near my godchildren, and that was breaking my heart the most, but it was all my fault, hoping to repair the damage upon my return.

All my days blended together in here. On Friday, my dad and my aunt came to see me. Apparently the fight ended up on national news because of social media. My aunt was livid with me for putting myself in that kind of danger. I agreed, then told them where I was going and why. They cried and hugged me, and we had a nice conversation before they left.

On Sunday I told Lisette I was ready to see Roman. Maggie and Abby had gone to my apartment and packed a suitcase for me. Lisette told me that they would have clothes for me to wear at the rehab, and that everything would be provided for me, but that I was more than welcome to bring whatever I needed to feel comfortable. I was going to need things from home, so I didn’t get homesick. I’d never spent this much time alone before, and it was scary, to be honest.

I was wearing a tee shirt and yoga pants with my hair in a bun, sitting on the bed going through the last bit of emails on Sunday afternoon when there was a knock at the door. It opened slowly and I could already feel who it was. Roman cautiously entered, smiling when our eyes met. I couldn’t help but smile in kind. I think it was the first time in a while he didn’t look like he was worried about me or mad orfrustrated or any of those other annoying emotions I brought out in him. He looked calm and relaxed.

I said, “Hi” then moved the laptop off the bed, placing it gingerly on the table.

He slowly walked over and gently sat on the bed like he was trying not to jostle me and mumbled, “Hi, how are you?” Sore as hell, actually.

“Sober and bruised.” He put his head down with pain written all over his face and nervously chuckled.

“I’m sorry it’s not funny. I think I was just trying not to cry.” I nodded and held my own tears in.

“I know. Me too.” I was barely able to get out. I just wanted him to wrap me in his arms, but I know I didn’t deserve it.

“I hear you’re going away for a while.”

“Yes. Extended vacation.”

He smiled and it hit his eyes and that warmed my heart and kept me from full on sobbing.

“Thank you for waiting to come. I needed to release some things and detox before I saw you. I’m pretty sure I was drinking too much along with holding in a lot of anger.” The smile left his face and tears pooled in my eyes again.

“You’re welcome. I didn’t realize you felt you were drinking too much. I kind of thought you were, but I didn’t want to say anything.”

I wouldn’t have listened, I'm sure.

“Yeah, it’s easier for us to admit what’s wrong with other people than it is ourselves, huh?” I chuckled a little in hopes the tears would be fended off.

He laughed with me and said, “I guess I can take this time to admit my issues too.” I shook my head. I didn’t want him to compare applesto oranges. He was nothing like me. He is such a good, wonderful person.

“Nah, you’re perfect to me.” He hugged me and I wrapped my arms around his waist and just breathed him in. I needed that soul connection one last time before I took this journey on my own.

I pulled away, taking his hands in mine and said, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for all the pain I caused you. I’m sorry for scaring you. I don’t know why I couldn’t just love you and let you love me…” Tears silently fell as I continued, “I’m hoping I can figure that out while I’m gone. The girl who lands you will be truly blessed. I just don’t think it’s me, and I don’t want you to wait for me.”

He smiled and said, “Don’t tell me what to do.”

I laughed through the tears.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” I know I have no right to ask for this, but I had to. I needed one more night of calm and he was the only one who could bring that to me right now.

“Yes, and I’m going to ride with you to the airport tomorrow. I’m letting mom use the plane to fly with you to your retreat. I don’t want you to do this alone and when you’re ready to come home, mom, I mean Dr. King, will be there to fly home with you as well.”

I swallowed back the sobs threatening to come again, “You know where I’m going then?”

“I know all about mom’s exclusive retreat. She’s gone there before. Can you imagine listening to everyone’s shit day in and day out and not having to take a break from it? Especially a person like my mother, who feels things so deeply.”

It wasn’t just a place for her patients. Lisette was a patient too.

“I never thought about how I could be affecting her with all this craziness. Damn. Here I was thinking she was this rock who couldn’t be affected by anything, but she could fix me.”

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