Page 125 of With Wine Comes War

“She’s so obsessed with whatever this plan of hers is that she’s scaring me. This isn’t the girl I wanted to be with.”

“She may have some more serious things she needs to work on. The timing may not be right for either of you right now.” I shook my head and felt the tightness in my chest. I didn’t want her to agree with me. I wanted to hear how I was overreacting and needed to give her a break.

“Mom, this feels worse than the last time.” I had my face in my hand just trying to hold it together.

“I’m sure it does, Roman, because this time you want it to be over, but you still love her.” I’ve never loved anyone like I love Alex.

“What if she doesn’t want it? What if I send her over the edge?” She seemed so fragile even with whatever this crazy plan was of hers.

“What have I told you about the things we can and can’t control?” I leaned back in my chair, running my hands through my hair.

“I know I know. I can’t control how anyone else feels, thinks, acts or reacts. I only have control over myself.” She laughed because she’s made me say that so many times.

“That’s right. In Alex’s mind she’s doing what she has to do. By not telling you, she thinks she’s protecting you. It doesn’t matter that you don’t feel the same way, because that’s just the way she thinks. Now she’s telling you you’re better off not knowing. She has a very protective nature about her. She doesn’t really like being protected though. I don’t know what it’s going to take to change that. It’ssomething she may have to figure out on her own.” I took a few deep breaths to keep the tears from spilling over.

“You’re right, I just need to let her go. Hey mom? Can I go to church with you and dad tomorrow?” God knows I needed something. Maybe I just needed a higher power.

“Of course, honey. I’d love that.”

I got a lot of prep work done for the week ahead then decided to call Harrison and see if he and Amelia were going to mom and dads for dinner tonight.

“Yeah, we’re going around five. You ok?” Harrison sounded concerned. Am I okay? Probably not but I’ll be fine someday.

“Sure.” But I'm definitely not fine right now.

“Is Alex coming with you?” Right then Alex was calling, so I sent it to voicemail.

“I don’t think so.”

“I guess we’ll see you tonight then.” I hung up and took a few minutes to get myself together, listening to the voicemail that said we needed to talk.

“Hi, I think you’re right.” I said as I called her back then shuffled to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water. I didn’t want to get in the habit of going straight to the liquor cabinet like she’s been doing lately. I was sitting on the couch when she came in. She was smiling but I could tell she’d been crying. Damn, this was going to suck.

***

ALEX

I had already mentally packed and moved back into my place so it wouldn’t take long once we were done with this conversation. Theelevator took forever. When the doors opened, I saw him sitting there with a sadness I've never seen before. I’m glad I brought some wine with me for lunch, because I would’ve been all nerves if I hadn’t, and I needed to be brave to do this. My stomach was in knots when he patted the sofa next to him. I hope he didn’t try to stop me. I know I told him to chase me, but I really didn’t want that right now. I used my sweater to wipe the rest of my tears off my face then I went over and cautiously sat down next to him.

The first thing he did was envelope me in a hug. I couldn’t contain the tears or the sobs anymore. This hurt so much, feeling his own pain mingling with mine. He laid his head on top of mine and I know I felt a tear land on my cheek that didn’t belong to me.

His voice cracked when he choked out, “Alex, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything that’s happened to you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there for you and help you. I know, now, that it’s not my place. You have to do that on your own and until you do, there’s no place for me.”

I sniffed and looked up into his eyes. He was breaking up with me. I wanted this, didn’t I? I should feel grateful that this is what’s happening right now.Why do I feel like shit? Why does this hurt so much?

“I’m going to get my things and go.” I didn’t know what else to say and I tried to get up, but he pulled me back down and kissed me.

“Just remember, I love you and nothing will ever change that.” I’ve never seen him so sad and knowing that it was me that made him that way ripped a hole through my chest. I nodded and hurried down the hall to pack my things and I left.

I don’t remember getting back to my apartment. I hadn’t been there in so long I almost forgot what it looked like. It seemed so cold and lonely. It was cold because it was time toturn the heat on, but it wasn’t what it was before. My place always felt lived in and cozy. Roman’s place was the one I felt was more antiseptic and colder. I guess it’s not the decor but who’s there with you. I felt like an empty vessel right now, just like my apartment. I’m the one who’s antiseptic and cold. He was the one who was lived in and cozy.

My phone was ringing, and Matt’s name was scrolling across the screen. “Hey Matt.” I answered without any enthusiasm at all.

“I think you got what you were looking for,” he said accusingly.

I was too busy being in my head to comprehend what he was saying.

“What are you talking about?” I rolled my eyes at his annoying tone.

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