Page 124 of With Wine Comes War

I knocked on his office door and heard him say, “I’ll call you later.”

“Come in,” he said in a tired, raspy tone.

I cautiously pushed the door open. Now I know what it feels like to walk on eggshells. It’s awful.

I tried to sound as pleasant as I could. “Hey, good morning. It’s beautiful out there today.”

He looked up quickly and dismissively. “Hi, good morning, yep.”

I took a deep breath and tried to be cordial but he was making it difficult.

“Would you like to have a picnic at Lookout Park today?” He still didn’t look up as he mumbled. “Mmm.” It sounded like he had no desire to go.

“Roman, why are you working on a Saturday? I thought you only did that when you needed to distract yourself?”Let’s see if I’m his problem.

He smiled and looked up at me. “That’s what I’m doing.”

I see. This is where we are now.

“Distracting yourself from what? Me?” I couldn't help instigating what I knew to be the beginning of an argument.

He nodded and let out a long breath.

“Yes, Alex. I can’t stop trying to figure out what you’re up to, so I thought I’d work. Except all the extra work shit involves you, so for whatever reason it’s not working.”

I laughed and came around the desk and sat on his lap.

He didn’t put his arms around me so I put my hands on his face and said, “Please stop. This isn’t healthy.” I thought a little of his own medicine would help, but I probably didn’t think that through.

He was smirking but nothing in his face told me he was happy. “Being worried about you isn’t healthy, you’re damn right. What should I be when my girlfriend provokes a rapist to come after her? I don’t know what you’re up to, but you don’t seem to need or want my help or protection, so why do you want to spend time with me? That’s the kind of shit I think about now.”

I guess I’ll be going on that picnic on my own today then. I got up and walked out of the room. No sense in making things worse.

The drive up to the lookout was beautiful. The sky was clear and there was a slight breeze. I guess I should think about this relationship while I’m here as well. He clearly needs a break and if this is how he’s going to act, I’m going to need a break too. My apartment is still just how I left it. The only thing we did was clean out the refrigerator, but I can always order takeout. This isn’t how I thought this day would go, but I think I always knew it would end up here at some point. Igot in the car and called Roman. He sent it straight to voicemail and I left a short message. “Hey, we need to talk when I get back.”

He called back ten minutes later. “Hi. I think you’re right.”

As much as not being in a relationship was my thing before, I really thought this was the one. I always managed to leave an “out clause” in the back of my mind, though, and secretly thought I would want to sabotage it. I tried not to let the tears fall, but I couldn’t help it now and I almost couldn’t talk.

“Okay, see you soon,” I spoke through the emotion before choking on the tears for the rest of the ride home.

***

ROMAN

I went to the gym while she went running. I needed some space. Some time to think. She was being so careless with this situation and she wouldn’t let me help her— clearly she didn’t trust me. I know she’s been working with my mom, but even my mom can’t help her with whatever this is. She isn’t going to get better until she decides it for herself. She’s been drinking every night just to calm down, especially when she thinks I’m not looking.

I got back to the house before she did, took a shower, and changed. Then I headed into my office to make sure Alex would be ok without me. I called Grant and told him to keep an eye on her. I told him that it was just too much for me and she’d be in good hands with him. I told him we both had plenty to focus on with work and that whatever she had planned was going to have to be on her. He agreed and gave me his sympathy. I called my mom next.

“Good morning, Roman.” I’m sure she could tell what this was about.

“Hi mom.” I knew she could hear the sadness in my tone.

“Oh Roman, what is it honey?”

“I can’t do this anymore.” I breathed out.

She sighed, “What happened?”

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