Page 38 of The Bartender's Baby

My first instinct was to admire the man for how big and loud he loved. My second was to feel unworthy. How could anyone be deserving of such a gift? His unwavering support, his endless generosity, but mostly, his all-encompassing love.

It was too easy to feel like it was too much, too fast, too big, too soon, too everything.

I’d survived so long on barely enough. It was incredible to imagine that I could have everything. I could be a glutton. With Nate basically hand-feeding me.

“Did he ever tell you about our parents’ divorce?” Gen asked, pulling me from my daydream of giving in. Of saying yes.

“Not much. Only that he was fourteen and it was rough.”

“I really struggled, but he…” She winced. “He was crushed. I don’t want to speak for him, but I know he always wanted a closer relationship with our dad. I guess he saw how other boys were with their dads, and he wanted the same thing. Then when our parents split, there was no chance for that to happen, and it all sort of unraveled from there. You don’t need a psych degree to see the connection. He’d always said he didn’t want to be a dad because he didn’t know how to be one. He didn’t know how to fix his relationship with our dad, so how could he have a relationship with his own kid?”

She met my eyes, tucking her hair behind her ears, smiling a secretive smile that made me feel like we had our own sorority. One with only two members who understood the inner workings of Nate Kozlowski. “But you and I both know he just needed the opportunity to show up. The chance to step up and be the guy he’d always wanted growing up. Be the man who loves with all his heart. And he’s got so much to give, it’s like he doesn’t know what to do with it all. Maybe it would calm him down a bit.” She laughed at herself. “Besides, don’t you thinkyoudeserve it? To be loved like that?”

I blinked and blinked some more, swallowing down the lump in my throat, placing my hand on the fluttering in my belly.Yeah, Frogger. I get it. We’re talking about your favorite person.

“Honestly.” I sniffed. “I’ve never cried more in my life than with this pregnancy.”

“That’s all right. I’m sure Nate’s already bought the economy-size tissues from Costco.”

I had a feeling tissues were the least of his purchases, and accepting that fact felt both thrilling and terrifying. To know he would give everything he had to Frogger and me.

But if we committed to this, everything would change. The careful boundaries we’d maintained for years would crumble. There would be no going back, no more hiding from the complicated thing that had lingered beneath the surface.

Was I ready for that? Was I ready to let him all the way in after keeping everyone else out for so long? I didn’t know, but before I could slip too far down the rabbit hole of anxiety, Gen distracted me with a picture Dylan had sent her of him and his kids. In it, he scowled while his kids played with what seemed to be Easter egg dye all over the table.

“He doesn’t look happy.”

Gen flipped her phone back to stare all gooey-eyed at it. “He’s got no patience for that kind of stuff. I told them to wait until I got home, but he’s a total sucker for them. Can never say no.”

I huffed, recalling what I knew of Nate’s friends. All of them dads, and all of them useless under the control of toothy smiles and a few pleading words. Nate wasn’t much better.

And his sister plucked the words straight from my mind. “You better get ready. Because Nate will be the worst of all.”

I didn’t know if I could ever be truly ready, but I was willing to be open to all the possibilities and ridiculous Halloween costumes it would bring. I found my phone to type out a message.

You think you can borrow someone’s truck?

Nate

Yeah. What do you need?

To move some boxes.

Instead of a text back, my phone buzzed in my hand. Genevieve lifted her attention to me as I held it at my ear, Nate’s voice loud enough that even she could hear. “You could have held out longer, you know. Evie was only level two.”

“How many levels did you have planned out?”

“Five.”

I bit the insides of my cheeks, fearing they might crack if I gave in to the threatening grin.

“So, I’ll see you tonight?” he asked, and I didn’t think twice about my answer.

“Yes.”

ELEVEN

TABBY

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