“Wait.” I step back, gripping my elbows. I know he is embarrassed and in pain and not thinking straight, but still. “What mental gymnastics did you do to make any of this my fault?”
Collin shakes his head slowly. “Are you kidding me, Ro? I spend years covering your weaknesses, putting myself on the line to keep you safe, piecing you together each time you break and the first chance you get, you snatch the top patrol slot right out from under me?”
“That’s not what I did.”
“Gods, can you stop and think about my feelings for a single moment? How do you imagine it feels to be betrayed like that?”
“Collin. I have zero control over the triad.”
“Don’t you? Because from where I sit, it looks like despite all my effort and sacrifice, despite the fact that I spent every spare moment training and you spent it laying back with a headache, you are the one who gets everything in the end. You know your blood runs more royal than mine, and you are riding that forward no matter who you plow over on the way, aren’t you?”
“I didn’t ask for this!” I snap.
“But you are happy to take it, aren't you?” he snaps right back, cursing as the blood soaks through his napkin.
My mind spins, my emotions churning. Collin is wrong but he also isn’t. He has been the one keeping me upright in the Spire. The one to take care of me. To take notice of me. And he has worked himself to the limit for the chance which I’d just been handed for nothing. I don’t deserve to be in a flag patrol. He does. But it’s still not my fault.
I don’t know what to say. What to feel. I shut my eyes. “What do you want from me?”
“Talk to your mother,” Collin says. “You know, the one who is the commandant and in charge of all this? Talk to her and get this sorted.”
“You can’t ask Ro to do that,” says Ellie.
“Fine, I’ll do it,” I say at the same time. "I'll... I'll talk to my mother if it means that much to you, alright?"
"It does.” Collin takes a deep breath and kisses the top of my head. "And so do you."
Three days later, I stare at the ceiling as I lie in bed, trying to find that balance point between resting without actually falling asleep. My body aches, especially my right ankle, which I came close to turning this morning. It’s been one assessment after another and I really want to sleep.
But I can’t.
Because there is something I want more, and—judging by the midnight toll of the bell—Ellie and Trish will be here soon to get us going. If I fall asleep now, I’ll hate myself when they wake me…
Tap tap tap.
I startle, opening my eyes to the familiar rhythmic knock. Rubbing my face vigorously, I slide out of bed and usher them inside.
Ellie grins at me. “You fell asleep didn’t you?”
“No.” I stifle a yawn and clumsily pull my pack out of its hiding place beneath the loose floorboards of my room.
“Uh huh.” Ellie raises her brow. She can function on four hours sleep. I’d take ten if I could. And we both know it.
“Yes,” I relent, sticking my tongue out at her. “But only for a few minutes. Happy?”
“Knew it.” She grins. Ellie has a bounce in her step as she shifts her own pack. Like mine and Trish’s, it’s full of medical supplies carefully appropriated from the Spire’s infirmary over the past month. “I just love being right, that’s all.”
“Too bad it happens so rarely,” I tell her.
She laughs and Trish quickly claps her hand over Ellie’s lips, lest our endeavor ends before it starts.
I shake my head, then start toward the tapestry concealing my room’s trapdoor passage. My pulse quickens as it always does when we do this, making me feel a little scared, and a little righteous, and a whole lot alive. I’m usually the most perfect rule following trainee in the world. Except for this one little thing.
“Wait.” Ellie clears her throat dramatically. “With field training coming, this is likely the last Operation Lifeline run for Ro and me. So, we have to mark the occasion. It’s like a rule.” She pulls a flask from the inside of her cloak and waggles it before us.
“A rule, eh?” Trish narrows her gaze at Ellie. She’s a year behind us and has been learning the ropes to keep Lifeline going.
“Absolutely.” Ellie nods sagely. “Ro, glasses?”