Page 98 of Your Soul to Keep

“I know that,” I snapped, then closed my eyes briefly and softened my voice. “I know. But I also know if I’m not on it, I’ll hope and I’ll wonder and I’ll pray, and I can’t do that to myself again.”

“I understand. Have you spoken to anyone about your anxiety?”

I sucked in a deep breath and prayed for more patience.

“I have. Endlessly. And I know what I need. With all due respect, doctor, I know my own mind.”

She nodded. “Fair enough. We can look at a few options, some less invasive than others, and get you set up.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

She made a few notes on the computer before turning back to me. “I have a feeling there’s more.”

I offered her a half smile. “I know my fear is irrational, but are you sure the cancers that took my mother, or my father, or my Nan are not genetic? None of them?”

She shook her head. “As a scientist, I don’t believe in luck, good or bad. As a doctor, I can’t tell you anything other than it was phenomenally bad luck. You’re not at risk. Not any more than anyone else.”

“Okay,” I answered weakly, knowing how crazy I must seem.

“Anybody with your history would be scared.”

I met her eyes. “Thank you.”

She rested her hand on my arm. “It’s good you’re taking care of your mental health. Now, tell me. What are you doing to take care of the rest of you?”

Taking care of the rest of me?

On the drive to Gabe’s, the question tumbled around in my brain like a running shoe caught in the dryer.

Pursuing a future with Gabe was for me, but it was equally as terrifying as it was gratifying. I probably needed a few sessions with a good therapist to work through my anxiety, but I was loathe to give up a single second of my hard-won free time.

Helping him with Dylan cranked open all the cracks in my heart I thought had healed. It both bled me dry and filled me with light.

Nadine’s shower allowed me much needed time with my girls, but I hadn’t been to a baby shower or anything else to do with babies since my body failed to give me one of my own.

I pictured the unsent shower invitations under my bed.

The tiny blankets.

It hurt.

But it did get me back into my sewing room. And for that I was grateful. Sewing, quilting, and embroidery fulfilled my creative side and gave my brain something to focus on.

Creating made me happy. My girls made me happy. My newly acquired free time made me happy. Gabe and Dylan made me ecstatic.

I couldn’t remember the last time my life had been so rich with friends and love and family. Happiness poured over me like Hailey’s Falls, pure, crisp, and sparkling with light. But anxiety wrapped around it like a fist.

And you can’t hold water in your fist.

27

Anything

IpositionedNadine’sdeckedout ‘Mother-To-Be’ chair at the front of the room and placed a little stool down in front of it for her feet.

Were they swelling? Did she have morning sickness?

The first time I had morning sickness, I danced. When it stopped suddenly, I was devastated.

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