Page 33 of Your Soul to Keep

Five positive pregnancy tests, two of which had been false, one faded ultrasound picture, a barely started pregnancy journal, and tiny onesies that had never been worn but had been worn thin from the desperate rubbing of my yearning fingers.

And a broken heart.

It was all I had left, and I hoarded it jealously.

Tears spent, I tipped my head back against the wall and closed my burning eyes. In the absence of Nan, that corner held me tight.

But when my breath came easy, it was Gabe’s handsome face that filled my mind.

I blinked slowly as it hit me that I knew nothing about his life now. I didn’t know where he worked, what he did for a living, or if he was still close with his family.

My heart still recognized his, but the past twenty-two years of his life was a complete mystery.

One I wanted to unravel.

I swiped my fingers under my eyes and pressed the tips of my cold fingers to my burning cheeks.

Did he want the same thing?

Pulling out my phone, I reread his unanswered texts then rose to my feet. Lifting the bottom of my shirt, I dabbed my eyes then took a deep breath.

I grabbed my sweater to shield me against the chill of night. Locking the doors and setting the alarm, I got into my car and headed home, grateful for Mondays when we closed the restaurant.

One week from today, I would turn forty. A family wasn’t ever going to be in the cards for me. Perhaps it was time I started thinking about what I wanted to do about it.

Ayana’s and all it entailed filled my head.

I huffed out a laugh, but it tasted bitter.

Because managing Ayana’s was never my dream.

And it was a poor substitute.

9

Phase 5

Barelyhavingslept,Ibraced my hands on the bathroom counter the next morning and stared at myself in the mirror.

Every agonizing minute of the day before showed on my face. I closed my eyes.Thank God Mother’s Day was over.

Waking up yesterday morning with my stomach full of dread was a far cry from the morning before when I woke wrapped tight in Gabe’s arms.

This morning my body vibrated with nerves and anxious anticipation. How was it possible to feel so strongly about him already? It scared me.

Hescared me.

Even when we were kids, he’d been larger than life. That had not changed but the edge he had back then had sharpened to a point.

And I feared his bark had teeth.

Giving my head a shake, I dropped my clothes on the floor, stepped into the shower, and tilted my face into the spray to wash away the effects of the night.

My hands shook as I reached for my bodywash and filled my hand with three generous pumps. White lily and bergamot, my signature scent and phase 1 of my personal revitalization project, wrapped around me.

I closed my eyes and breathed it in as it soothed my frayed nerves.

It will be okay.

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