Page 126 of Your Soul to Keep

I spun around to face him, the unfairness of his accusation burning a hole through my rage, rage at the betrayal done by the one I was set to leave.

Again.

We were kids.

You can’t have it both ways.

The one I was set to leave again, knowing this time beyond a doubt what I was sacrificing.

And understanding what it would cost me to stay.

Losing a child over and over and over again. Reminded every time Zoe deigned to roll back into town that Dylan wasn’t mine.

It was crazy. Dylan had only been mine for a few weeks. But a few short weeks was all I’d ever been allotted.

I turned and stared at him. My voice shook. My lip trembled. My hands fisted at my sides. “You’re asking the impossible. You want me to live out my nightmare every fucking day.”

“No, Shae, I don’t. But I need to know you want me for me, just me.”

I shook my head.

Of course I wanted him. How could he think I didn’t?

He jumped down off the porch and walked toward me, slamming his palm down over his heart. “But that’s not enough for you, is it? You’re all the fucking same. You want your fairytale fucking family and if I can’t give you that wrapped up neat and tidy and tied with a big fucking shiny bow, you don’t want me!”

“That’s not true!”

“Yeah? Then why are you out here set to run away instead of in there where you belong with me and Dylan working this out?”

And Zoe? I asked silently. Would she also come to the table to work this out?

Cold sweat broke out across my brow.

If only she’d never called me Mommy.

If only the gift had never been given only to be ripped away.

My stomach heaved.

I sucked in a ragged breath, and it lacerated me on the way out. “I can’t.”

His eyes, wide and glossy, held mine. “Shae, if I lose you now, it might be forever.” His voice broke. “AndIcan’t.Please.”

34

I Regret Nothing

Ididn’trememberleavinghim, but somehow I must have turned my back, walked across the yard, gotten into my car, and drove away.

Because now I was standing with my damn key stuck in my front door. Trapped on my tiny front porch, hoping Mrs. Mason and Mrs. Wemberly had tucked themselves into bed rather than watching the neighborhood as they were wont to do.

Should either of them venture out, there would be no hiding my swollen eyes or red nose.

With a desperate cry, I yanked the key back and forth until it caught and released the lock. Slamming the door behind me, I stood with my hands over my face and breathed through a loss so profound it stole chunks of my soul.

This was a baby I’d held.

Whose eyes had smiled into mine.

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