Page 101 of Your Soul to Keep

My entire body shuddered.

All those onesies.

Tiny socks.

Itty-bitty diapers.

Nadine sweetly flushed and smiling as the women in her life flapped and cooed around her in support.

A bitter contrast to the months I spent alone in the nursery, rocking alone in the chair I bought for a baby I never held.

Gabe circled his big palm over my back, bringing me back to the present. His deep voice rumbled in my ear. “You’re all wound up. Let it out, Shae-baby. I got you.”

Let it out?

I shook my head against his strong shoulder, my fingers digging into his back. But other pieces of advice from the past shattered my resolve.

You just have to relax.

There will be other babies.

It wasn’t meant to be.

It’s a blessing in disguise. You don’t know what you would have been keeping!

There was something wrong with it. It’s nature’s way.

You won’t even think about this when you have another baby in your arms.

Lies.

All of it, lies.

Gabe shuffled me backward into the living room, Nan’s Tiffany lamp throwing soft shadows on the walls. Falling onto the couch, he pulled me into his lap and tucked my face into his neck.

Then, he rocked me like a baby.

My tears streamed, clogging my nose and stinging my throat as I clung to his shirt until my hands cramped.

“My poor baby,” he whispered, one hand cradling my head, the other at my back. “My poor, poor, baby.”

I sobbed his name. In agony. In surprise. In gratitude.

Not one person had invited me to cry.

I lifted my head to thank him for his compassion and found the evidence of it rolling down his cheek.

No one had ever grieved with me.

Until now.

The wonder of it stemmed my tears.

He dropped a kiss on my forehead. “Are you ready to talk about it?”

I sniffed and wiped the tip of my nose on my sleeve before looking up into his soft eyes. “How much do you want to know?”

He shrugged as he worked the elastic out of my hair, freeing my ponytail. “Whatever you need to get off your chest.”

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