Page 72 of Agony of Our Regret

I wanted to see that source. I’d never heard anything like it before. Not that I’d done much of my own research.

“We think that if we’re all equally involved, the baby won’t be so reliant on just you. Vince said his little sister was a terrible baby because she only settled for their mom, but I remember Cynthia was super easy. Maybe it’s because my dad's took turns.”

I wasn’t sure it would be that easy, but I appreciated how much thought they’d put into this. They were stepping up. It was extra special because they hadn’t flaunted it. They weren’t reading the books or looking up cribs to show off or impress me. They were doing it behind closed doors because they cared.

Well, until now. Noah’s excitement was genuine, though. He likely struggled to keep this to himself for so long.

Our food arrived, and while we filled up on delicious lasagna, Noah changed the topic.

“Have you thought much about the future?”

That was a loaded question. “Like when Lemon gets here?”

“Sure, or beyond that.”

“I spent so much of the last several years counting down to when we’d all be graduated and come back here, I hadn’t thought of what might come next. Then when I found out I was pregnant, I got sort of frozen in the now. I couldn’t imagine how I’d get through this, let alone having and raising a baby,” I sighed. “So, I guess I haven’t pictured anything past the next few months.”

That wasn’t true. I hadn’t even made it that far. I was still concentrating on getting through each day and wondering if or when I’d be ready for him, Sky, and Vince to livewith us. Knowing we wouldn’t all fit in the apartment or my grandparents’ house, I got stuck.

I used to picture the six of us in that beautiful Victorian, making the small rooms work for our large group. I wanted to have a piece of my history to cling to, the family I never knew. It was a symbol of what I could have had. Of the life my birth mom took away from me by running away. She found and fell in love with my dad, only to leave us both after I was born. The house was all I had left of our connection, and I clung to that idea. It felt kismet that I found my way back to the home she left.

Now, thinking about my own unborn child, I couldn’t imagine leaving Lemon behind. How could a mother do that? She believed she was in danger, and staying would put the same target on me. I understood, until I found myself in her shoes.

The AS was a threat. They’d come after me before, yet I wouldn’t run.

I wanted a fresh start. I wanted a to leave the past behind, appreciating my maternal side for what they left me, but without the ties.

“Close your eyes.”

I did and waited.

“Think about five years from now. You have a little kid running around. What else do you see?”

I tried to picture a little boy or girl and couldn’t, so I moved past that, letting myself imagine them playing in another room. “We’re in a house.” I wasn’t sure where that came from, but it felt right. “There’s a playroom next to the living room and kitchen. Our child is in there.”

“Who else is with you?”

I looked around an open concept area. The style was familiar, cozy, yet curated. Not too modern, but clearly built or renovated recently. Gray cabinets with white and silver marble counters. The gray leather sectional wasn’t what I’d pick out, but Icould see us compromising. Even though it was a large space, it didn’t feel as empty as my old house, nor overly grand as the Castellos’ house. It was more similar to Daniel and Tessa’s home. Spacious, but lived in.

Vince and Luca were sitting on the couch, watching a football game. Sky was next to me in the kitchen, not helping me make lunch, but keeping me entertained. Gavin stood at my other side, slicing fruit. Noah walked in from a hall, a small bundle in his arms.

I gasped. “You’re all there. You’re holding another baby.”

“Really?” I could hear the smile in the single word.

“I feel settled. Happy.”

I opened my eyes and met the intensity in his.

“You want another child?”

“I think I want a few, but ask again in a year,” I teased.

“I’ve seen it.”

My heart shot to my throat. “You’veseenit?”

He nodded. “I’ve had a few visions of the six of us.”

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