Page 24 of Agony of Our Regret

Upending the teenagers’ lives was one thing, but impacting every member was another.

“I’m not sure,” I finally answered.

“If they want to stay with us, it might be better to go back to your house. It’s not much bigger, but it has more space than this.”

Three bedrooms versus four. Either way, we’d have to share. Both felt too confined.

How had I gone from desperately wanting them back to dreading the reality of them being here?

Oh, because I was hiding an enormous secret.

He squeezed my hand once. “No matter what, Luca and I will support you.”

“How can we explain not letting them stay with us?” I finally voiced my concern. “After flying to them, asking them to come back, then they get here, and I’m like, ‘Oh never mind. Go home.’”

Gavin shifted, lifting his knee so he could face me. “If they had come back with you, or even within a few days, it would have made sense to have them stay with you. Now, I think they need to earn that privilege.”

I pursed my lips and considered. That made sense.

“They need to prove themselves?”

He nodded. “That and they need to figure out what their intentions are. If this is just a vacation and they plan to go back as soon as the Society gave the all clear, then they don’t stay with us.”

My chest tightened at that possibility, but it was entirely possible. Coming back didn’t mean they’d be here permanently. They still weren’t choosing me—us. The sooner I accepted that, the better.

“Okay, yeah. I don’t want them to stay with us if it's temporary.”

He released my hand, put a slice of cheese on a cracker, and handed it to me. I ate it and tugged a blanket over my lap.

“Have you heard when Luca should be back?”

“He said tomorrow around noon.”

I’d feel much better when he was home. None of us knew the ramifications of the AS’s release yet, and we had too much work ahead to mitigate the fallout. Best case, we caught all the news outlets and stopped things in time. Worse case, the AS planned for that and had something else up their sleeves. I hated being a pessimist, but that seemed more likely. If they were serious enough to expose our members, they wouldn’t be thwarted so easily.

But maybe my outlook was unique, given what they’d already put us through.

The other members didn’t understand how much their lives could change or how real the threat was.The complaints about feuding neighbors and who should host the next holiday brunch presented to the council seemed silly in comparison.

“What do you want to happen?” Gavin asked after handing me another cracker. He watched me eat in his not-so-subtle way of making sure I ate enough without having to hound me. I was grateful this snack, turned meal for me, seemed to have a truce with my stomach. It was one of the few things that didn’t make me queasy.

WhatdidI want?

The delusional part of me wanted us all to live happily ever after and believed this was the first step toward making that happen. The realist screamed at that Pollyanna to shut up and protect her heart from another inevitable break.

Even letting myself think about the six of us working things out was dangerous.

“I want to see them.” I couldn’t imagine them being so close and avoiding them.

“How and when?”

I side-eyed him. “Are you planning something?”

“No.” He grabbed two bottles of water from the table and handed me one. “But you control this situation. If you don’t want to see them for a few days, I’ll make sure you don’t. If you want to meet somewhere neutral, I’ll plan it. If you want to be in public to decrease the odds of emotions getting out of control, I’ll make a dinner reservation. Factors out of our control had dictated so much of our lives. I want to make sure this isn’t one of those situations. I want you to be comfortable when or if it happens.”

And that was why I loved him with my whole heart and soul.

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

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