Page 78 of One Love

He grins, that dangerous grin I fucking love, and that’s all he needs to do to have my heart beating heavily in my chest. I’ve been so close to running, to packing Hallie up and escaping from my pain…just to do something, but I know Dmitry would follow me to the ends of the Earth. It’s bad enough that I have to bring Hallie into my world, but to bring him into it too feels cruel on my part.

He’s been through his own shit and he’s come out of the other side of it a relentless, determined, and all-around great man. I just don’t know if putting him through my shit is going to be too much. But time and time again, he has proven that these kinds of thoughts are completely unfounded. Without hesitation, he has been here the last few months, for literally anything. He even bought me a special torture device—well, a barrel, but I’m not splitting hairs.

It’s these confusing thoughts that had me ready to leave him behind before Fizz died. But if I had done that, I know I would’ve regretted it. I don’t want to be that person who runs away from what could potentially be a lifetime of happiness because I’m trying to protect him. This random tragedy, losing Fizz, has only cemented the fact that death can happen anywhere, at any time. Staying away from Dmitry won’t secure his safety. But if the three of us stick together, we can do fucking anything. I know it.

It feels selfish to love him this much. I never thought it would be possible for me to love someone else after Murphy, especially not so soon. Murphy still does and always will hold a piece of my heart, but Dmitry has helped to glue it back together, piece by gruesome piece, and his hold on it is solid, unwavering.

My baby girl could have kicked up a fuss about Dmitry, could have wanted nothing to do with him, and I would have totally understood her position, but the fact that she’s strong enough to accept such change after losing everything she ever knew is a testament to how her dad raised her.

As Binx recounts a story about Fizz trying to teach him to bake, I glance over at Crank next to me. We all suspected something had been going on with them for a while so I know he has to be struggling. His facial features are downturned, his dark hair is a mess, and the bags under his eyes could hold Tab inside.

I nudge Crank to get his attention, because it certainly isn’t on the story Binx is telling. He lifts his eyes and looks at me, sadness swirling far into the depths. Not having anyone to put in our crosshairs for this is hard on all of us, but I suspect it’s hitting Crank the hardest.

“Come help me make some coffee.” I practically whisper the words. The drinks are almost empty and everyone will be driving or riding home soon, so it’s a good chance to chat. See where his head’s at. He nods, just the once, and we both stand. “Goingto get the coffee on, back in a sec.” I look at Hallie next. “Hot chocolate?”

“Yes, please.” She grins wider than before, nodding, and the warmth I get from that is fucking surreal.

Fizz was the emotional support in our group, and while none of us are really talkers, she still always listened. Personally, I feel uncomfortable as shit as Crank follows me through to the kitchen. Cue the most awkward conversation in the world.

“How are you doing?” I keep my back to him, setting up the coffee machine and pulling mugs out of the cupboard.

He sighs heavily behind me. “Yeah, good.”

I turn then, facing him, watching him solemnly leaning back against the kitchen worktop.

“Bullshit. One thing we don’t do, Crank, is lie to each other. We may omit information from time to time, but we never lie.” We also don’t really do emotions and all that comes along with it, but I’m a responsible capo and these people are my family.

Crank lowers his eyes to the floor, shaking his head, and huffs. “What do you want me to say, J? That she was my everything? I loved her? And now I’m breaking inside. My heart physically hurts, J. So much that I can barely breathe. Every time I close my eyes, she’s there, lying next to me, her dark curls tickling my nose when I wrap my arms around her. I can’t fucking live without her, J.” His voice is raspy, but it’s full of anger, and I get it. I really do. I have felt all of those things, been where he is. He just needs something to focus this pain on rather than himself, because I am not losing anyone else any time soon.

“Youcanlive without her. You’re doing it right now. It’s hard as fuck, but you’re strong as fuck.” I’m not exactly eloquent or full of wisdom, but he’s listening, because he huffs a laugh and shakes his head again, lifting his eyes to meet mine.

“Fizz used to say that I was strong as fuck too.” A small smile ghosts his lips.

“Well, there you go then. You wouldn’t wanna make her a liar, would you?” I pour the coffees and prepare the hot chocolate, my tone firm. I think someone has bought a new variety of coffee beans because this smells a lot different than our usual brand.

“You know you’re shit at this whole talking thing, right?” Crank laughs. It’s low and light, but it’s there.

“Yeah, but you’re smiling, so I’ll take it as a win.” I shrug, placing the now-full coffee cups on Fizz’s favorite serving tray, tilting my head toward the door for him to follow me out. “Meet me at the cage tomorrow, bring your gloves,” I call back.

Dmitry grips my wrist once I put the cups down, pulling me onto his lap and wrapping his arms around my waist, squeezing me tightly. I smack his arm in jest before my stomach really turns and I have to excuse myself, almost leaping from his knees for the bathroom.

“Stay there, my little Myška, I’ll make sure Mom’s okay.” Dmitry’s voice is strong and soft all at once as he speaks to Hallie before following close behind me.

He’s quick to keep up with me, holding the bathroom door open as I rush in and fall to my knees in front of the toilet. My hair is already pulled back from my face in my regular French braid, but that doesn’t stop Dmitry from holding the end so it doesn’t flip over my shoulder. He rubs my back as the contents of my stomach erupt from my throat, giving me zero space, and I don’t hate it.

The Chinese food I forced myself to eat earlier clearly hasn’t agreed with me, but I haven’t been sick like this since forever.

Since…

Oh, fuck no.

Epilogue

D

Nine Months Later

“Holy shit, baby, I can see the top of its head!”

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