Page 18 of One Kill

I could do this. She’s thirteen, she can stay alone for less than an hour. Hell, she probably won’t ever know that I left the house.

Jumping out of the chair before I can talk myself out of it, I pull on a sweatshirt and grab my boots before scratching a few words on a piece of paper that I place on the fridge downstairs. If Hallie wakes up, it’ll be because she’s thirsty, and with any luck, she won’t be sleepwalking and will know that I’ve stepped out for a bit. In any case, she can call me if she really needs me.

Locking up, I run to the truck and blow hot air into my hands. Fuck, I should have brought gloves, this cold is like nails being planted in my skin. With one last look at Hallie’s darkened room upstairs, I put the truck in reverse and head somewhere between the financial district and midtown.

I’m completely lost in thought the entire ride over, wondering why I’m driving in the middle of the night to an address I don’t know to see if the girl that got away thirteen years ago is fucking some random guy.

Fucking hell, I think I’m losing my mind and she’s the one who’s hidden it somewhere close to her heart. I hope.

Fifteen minutes later, I’m pulling up along the curb to… nothing but closed shops with apartments upstairs. If she’s home, her bike is obviously in a private underground parking garage because it’s not in the street. Also, who the fuck rides a motorcycle in the dead of winter?

My girl, apparently.

I’m not sure what I expected to see. Had I really thought she’d be hanging out on the sidewalk randomly hoping I’d drive up and park? What a fucking idiot. But then again, I’ve always made ridiculous decisions when it came to her.

I can’t remember a single day when I didn’t love Jordyn O’Neill and I don’t think that will ever change. It’s why I always came back to the diner after she’d “disappeared”. It’s where we had our burgers as teens. Our first date, our first kiss. About the only first that place doesn’t hold is the first time I told her I loved her. That was when we made love for the first time. It’s cheesy but then we were fifteen and love was the easiest thing to celebrate.

Fuck this.

Snatching up my phone from the holder in the car, I search out J’s name and press call before I chicken out.

“Still can’t sleep?” She answers on the first ring and her throaty voice takes me by surprise.

“I’m at your place.” I look up to see if any new lights have turned on but that’s ridiculous with the number of floors there are.

“Are you now?” She doesn’t sound convinced or even surprised, like the idea of me finding her apartment is too inconceivable.

“Yeah, I’ve got my ways.” Her laughter ringing on the other side of the line goes straight to my dick. It’s such a rare, pure even, sound that I want to bask in it for hours. Then it hits me. “Do you live on top of some restaurant that serves sushi?” I know the answer before she even replies but hope springs eternal and all that shit.

“Sorry, no restaurants anywhere in sight from my window.” She sounds amused and that, at least, makes me happy because anything that makes her smile is pure happiness for me.

“So, tell me, Murph. What made you get in your truck at…” She pauses like she’s checking her phone or watch or whatever, then continues. “Four thirty in the morning?”

The answer is so simple that it just rolls off the tongue. “You.”

“Me, huh?”

“Yeah, Jaybear. I just…” Fuck, I’m such an idiot. “I lost you once and the thought that this…usis all in my head is doing me in.” I can hear her releasing a heavy breath on the other side of the line but I don’t push, I just let her take her time.

“I have a job, Murph. And sometimes that job means I’m surrounded by men. It has nothing to do with us… it’s just my job.” All I actually hear is,blah blah blah, surrounded by men,so I try to erase the mental image that goes along with those words. “And Murphy?” Hope springs all over again. “I don’t know if there’s an us but I’m trying really hard to stay away because…” She pauses again, her breathing coming in and out a lot faster, like she’s trying to fight some kind of urge to share her emotions.

“Just tell me, J, I can handle it.” I don’t think I can but I’ll fake it until I make it.

“I’m no good for you, Murph, and I’m definitely no good for Hallie.” Her words are whispered like she’s ashamed or she doesn’t want the universe to hear her admission.

“Let us be the judge of that. And in any case, you don’t really have a choice, do you? Whether you like it or not, you’re her mother and she wants to get to know you.” We’re silent again and I’m starting to freeze my ass off, parked out here in the February winter with the truck turned off.

“Go home, Murphy. I’ll call you.”

“All right, Jaybear.” She hangs up and a part of me is lost to her forever… sitting right next to her heart for the rest of time.

When I turn over the engine, I take one last glance up at the building and wish I could see her watching me from above, but that’s just the dream of a teenage boy from thirteen years ago, waiting for the mother of his child to come back home.

Chapter Ten

J

Thecamerasseemtofollow me wherever I go inside this casino, and I make sure to find ways to keep my middle finger visible to whoever’s watching without outrightly waving it around. I know I’m not the only one they’re following but I do love to be defiant when the opportunity arises.

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