Page 34 of Jericho

Everything is different from the way it was before, and there's no perceivable way to get back the time that was lost. Too much has happened. We're too different now to even make the mistake of thinking we could recover, and I don't know that I'd even want to if we were given a magic eight-ball.

Look, now I'm fucking lying to myself.

I was so obsessed with, so in love with Aspen Reese, I would've become Damien Gaines if that's what it took to have her father's blessing. Realizing that reminds me of just how toxic she could be for me.

Someone you love and vows to love you back shouldn't need you to change who you are in order for a relationship to succeed, but I know she wouldn't have had to ask. I would’vebeen whoever she needed, and I'm not foolish enough to believe that she was attracted to me because I was different from the others who entered her father's home.

I heard the shit some of them said about her, knew what they wanted to do to her, and that only Ivan's threats kept them from following through with it.

I was the one willing to cross the line. I was a challenge, a reward of sorts for her.

"There's a shower here," I spit.

"Excuse me?" she asks as she lifts up the collar of her shirt, giving it a quick sniff.

"You were always in the shower," I say. "We've been here eighteen hours. Aren't you due for one?"

"I was always in the shower because you always got me dirty."

I fucking swear this woman will be the damn death of me.

It doesn't stop her eyes from darting to the only door she hasn't seen opened before, and she's spot on because that's the bathroom. Hell, if she doesn't need to shower then I know she needs to use the restroom, but she hasn't requested it either since arriving.

"You can lock the bathroom door, Aspen. I'm not going to wait until you get naked and go in there or anything."

She still doesn't look convinced that taking a shower is the best idea right now.

"I don't have clothes," she mutters. "It's worse to shower and put on dirty clothes than to stay unshowered."

"Fucking Princess Peach," I mutter, referencing the reason I started calling her Peach in the first place.

She might not have the evil inside of her that her father had, but the woman is fucking spoiled by the fruits of his wickedness.

I stand from the sofa and grab my go-bag, pulling out a thick t-shirt and a pair of thermal sleep pants.

"They'll swallow you up, but they're clean," I tell her as I hand them over to her.

She pulls them from my hand as she stands.

"I'll take a fucking walk, Aspen. You'll be safe. Just lock the door."

I head out the front door of the cabin, regretting the fact that I didn't grab my damn jacket before leaving but knowing I can't go back inside right after telling her she had privacy.

I stand on the porch for a long moment, pulling frosty air into my lungs, enjoying the burn of it. It's ten times better than the scent of her skin that has the ability to drive me insane.

My boots carry me to the tree line, nature calling after thinking about Aspen not having requested the restroom. I lean against a tree and piss, thinking it would be just my luck if a fucking bear came up and attacked me while I was outside with my damn dick in my hand.

I look around as I finish and tuck myself away without incident before continuing deeper into the woods.

Maybe I'll get lucky and fall into a ravine and have to lie there with a broken leg. I can't think of anything less that will keep me from thinking about her stripping her clothes off and climbing into that fucking shower.

And just like that, my mind wanders, and it's like I never left her orbit. After the way she smiled at me that very first time, watching me with her head dipped from under her lashes,she was all I could think about. The job and my mission to take down her father quickly became a side quest, because winning her affection became my main goal. I couldn't eat, sleep, or work without her on my brain, and I think my inability to focus on what was expected of me is what drew Damien's scrutiny in the first place.

I found ways to sneak off just so I could catch the sight of her. Although I didn't count the number of secret smiles she shared with me, I know if I think hard enough, I could pull every single one of them from memory. She swore I was on her mind as much as she was on mine. We were connected even when we were apart, and God, the first time she leaned forward and pressed her lips to mine, I don't think I would've been happier if I had won the lottery.

It was everything. She was my entire world. The Marine Corps, ICE, and the pledges I took when I joined both no longer mattered. She was the center of my universe and my mission became to rescue her, no matter the cost.

Yet it all ended with her silence and my broken heart.

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